STEREOTYPING – Two Lives One Union & The Whole Circus – FAMILY WEDDING

So here I am on my way back from a family wedding, the wedding was a two day affair which had 6 different events culminating into the final marriage ritual for the bride & groom. I attended as a relative of the bride & the wedding took place in the city where the groom resides.

In a nut shell the agenda was: First Day – Engagement Ceremony, Visit to the temple & evening entertainment & dance show which Indians call “Sangeet”. Second Day – another event which I am still clueless about, a visit to the temple & finally marriage ritual late at night (although technically it was early morning of the next day)

This post is going to be highly clichéd since we all are aware and already know some of the stereotypes we encounter in all Indian Marriages, plus for me it was quite an experience since it was the first family wedding that I attended after a span of 13 years (it has been so long that I even got the number of years wrong in the last post) and the wedding in taking place in a city which is in that part of India which is known for over the top antics for every occasion. Oh Boy!!!!! Am I excited!!!

Upfront some clarifications:

Firstly, since males & females have very distinct role, responsibilities & behavioral patterns in Indian weddings the individual stereotypes will fit more appropriately for a particular sex. I would mention that in the descriptions for the stereotypes – so yes this post is going to be sexist at a lot of places!!!!!!!

Secondly, there is nothing small about Indian marriages; everything is big & larger than life, so even a blog post about Indian marriages cannot be tiny. This is going to be a long one.

1)      Santa, painting the town red – Let me crush your hopes before they get too high, I am not talking about some guys who love kids or nice old people, the only reason I am using Santa’s reference is because of Red color. These are men who are serial tobacco addicts. Their mouths are more red then the bride’s dress or the bright red nail polish of the bridesmaids. If these guys are not controlled they will paint your entire wedding venue red with their spitting habits. If you don’t want a red colored graffiti on your expensive dresses stay as far as possible from these guys.

2)      The Miss (Mis) Informer – Yeah we all have one or two females like this in every family wedding. These are women mostly married who would always claim that they know the entire schedule of the wedding, they know the exact time when all the different events will happen, where they will happen, who will do what, who will be required. fundamentally these females are elusive to the sentence “I do not know”. Goes without saying that most of their information if not all are incorrect, because they themselves don’t know Jack Shit about the wedding.

3)      Bride’s Bitches – These can be some of the toughest guests to manage, these are the closest friends/gossip partners/BFFs of the bride. Half of them who are married are happy as they are thinking “welcome to the club bitch, now you would know what it takes” for the bride, the other half who are unmarried are thinking “one bitch less to compete with for dresses, shoes & accessories”, whoever are left just draw hope that someday they will also get their knight in shining armor & are genuinely happy for the bride. These girls are demanding – separate room, separate place for makeup, separate cars for transportation, unrestricted access to bride’s room (and Groom’s room also sometimes). I wonder if somewhere in the entire event they start assuming it is their marriage!!!!!

4)      Groom’s Grubs – If I mention Bride’s Bitches, how can I not elaborate the Groom’s grub like friends. They are the worst of the lot both sides of a wedding put together. Someone has to beat them in their head (or their ankles, where their brains lie) that merely being close to the groom does not change their lineage to royal blue bloods and does not entitle them to any special treatment. Most of them are there for free food & booze, and the perpetual hope of getting laid – but then come to think of it, is there any place where guys go without the hope of being laid? (I can think of one perhaps – Men’s restroom :))

5)      The Complete Package – I am not talking about some good looking hunk so don’t get excited. These can be both men and women. They are mostly in their mid-40s or elder then that. They would have met you after a long time will come to you, talk to you for less than 10 minutes and then comes their patented question – What is your package? Or How much do you earn? The more irritating part it they will not take a subtle no for an answer and will keep pestering unless either you tell them correct or incorrect amount or just plain & simple ask them to fuck off!!!!!. Generally these are people who are deeply insecure about their own earnings or their kid’s earnings and constantly try and draw comparisons in the family just to see where there kids are placed, or just boost their own ego. 

6)      Male Chauvinistic Pigs – There are plenty of men who fall in this bracket. These guys will get up in the morning of the wedding functions, put on a routine shirt & a fuck all trouser, look like crap come out in the hotel lobby and discuss it with other men as to how they got ready in 30 minutes while the females are taking two hours. My simple two point answer to these assholes – Don’t worry the effort of 2 Hours vis a vis 30 Mins will show all day, and have you ever come across a wedding where the event was made to look glamorous because of guys.. I mean whom are we fooling it’s the women that make the wedding worth attending. Have you ever seen a wedding album look colorful because of the pictures of men who attended the wedding? We all know the answer don’t we? My suggestion to all these morons – let them take their time; trust me they will make it worth your while bu looking gorgeous.

7)      The Kid Contemporary Dancers Brigade – Anyone who has seen contemporary dance understands that the form requires extensive floor work techniques. Now since we are covering all age groups how can we leave out the kids. This is their time to shine & their names to be mentioned. There are always some kids ranging from approximately 2 – 5 years age group whom you would see sliding, rolling all over the floor of wedding halls and that too in nice new dresses. Their moms don’t care or they care for some time and after that they get too tired of caring for these kids, in most of Indian weddings men by default don’t care about their kids. So the final result is that you would see them at all the different floors be it banquet hall floor, reception stage floor, if nothing else then out in the open grass they will roll their way to glory. I gave a suggestion this time; leave them out in the morning for an hour unattended in the banquet hall perhaps we can save the money which we would pay to the janitors. For the record the suggestion was not received well :)

8)      SDIPA Rejects – If anyone has ever attended an SDIPA (Shiamak Davar Institute of Performing Arts) Class you know how bad you have to be in order to be rejected from those classes. Yet some of those rejects always find their ways in the bride’s or groom’s families. These are people who are uber excited to dance at every single wedding, this is a closed knit group who think they entertain everyone and are the life of the weddings. Can someone give them a reality check please? The only problem is that their interpretation of dance falls in one of the two dimensions. Let me explain this to make it simpler – First dimension is wildly flailing your arms & legs in different directions in an uncoordinated fashion. The Second dimension is movements so subtle that you need a telescope to observe & appreciate them; to the naked eye they appear to be a tree’s trunk stationary & erect. There is one commonality across the two dimensions – music playing in the background!!!!!! 

9)      The Tourist worse then one starring Johnny Depp & Angelina Jolie – Not many people disagree as to how horrible the movie “The Tourist” was. Based on that theme these are both men & women who are outstation visitors and want to use this wedding as a reason to get a free tour of the city. They will arrive and make demands like someone to accompany them to all the tourist oriented places, someone to get a car arranged for them etc etc. They would not want to spend a single penny doing any of the above. Someone explain to them that they were invited for a wedding and they did not win a free trip in some competition. These are the folks who arrive either too early for a wedding or stay over a couple of days once the wedding has finished.

10)  Indecent Proposal – These are a lot of times the same guys whom I mention in point 9 above. They would meet you in the marriage, talk to you for a couple of minutes, figure out how they are related to you (or they will confuse you, which also works for them), then figure out which city you stay in, ask your address and then quietly walk away. Someday much later after the wedding you would get a call from them that they are arriving in your city and would like to stay at your place. These people use that introduction as a shameless mechanism for avoiding accommodation & food costs in every city. My Suggestion – always give them the wrong address & incorrect phone numbers!!!!!

11)  Shobha De Wannabes – Yes we all saw this coming, these are females who think they have to critique everything & anything in the wedding some examples – wedding venue is too close (or too far) from the city, bride’s dress is too subtle (or too revealing), the groom is too thin (or slightly overweight – Indians can read it as healthy), decoration is too plain (or too gaudy), the list goes on and on. Take these females to the food stalls having 500 dishes, they would still identify the one delicacy missing and would be prompt to point out why that was the most important dish to have in the wedding. Critique! Critique!! Critique!!!

12)  Mr/Mrs Fixit – How can we forget this category, these are folks who think God wanted to make them cupids but ran out of raw materials and traded them in for humans. They will try and fix you up with a person of opposite sex irrespective of whether you want it or not so long as you are unmarried. I always wonder are these people suffering in their own marriages and are thinking – why should they alone burn and wants us to join the suffering in the inferno or they are so happy that they want you also to experience the same. I guess the answer somewhere lies in the middle it’s a mix of both. What these folks perhaps need to realize is that if it ain’t broken then don’t try to FIXIT.

13)  The Alpha Fail oops!!! Male – These are almost always guys they will come up to you and without any context start talking about how great their businesses are doing, how many influential people they know, how they are invited for all the special occasions by celebrities, they will boast about how much they have contributed to charity or for religion. They really try to portray that they are the next in line once God decides to take a vacation. The funnier part is sometimes their conversations end with the question about whether you would be interested to invest your money in their business with the delusional promise of the most unrealistic returns.

14)  The Great Wall of China – These are folks whose sense of positioning themselves at any particular place has been completely obliterated. Any event happening on the stage be it singing, dancing, any other form of entertainment, any  rituals related to marriage, these folks will involuntarily find themselves standing right in your line of sight while you are sitting and enjoying the event , it is like their sub conscious has a separate direction sensing mechanism altogether. The more irritating part is that they do not stand there to get a better view of the stage, they are oblivious to what is happening on stage, they are just chatting their way to glory with someone who is another brick in this great wall. Depends upon how you look at it – Birds of a feather flock together or It takes two hands to clap.

15)  The Cross Checker definitely not the Hot Stepper- These are the folks whose sub conscious wanted them to be in Government’s Secret Service Function but unfortunately their conscious never developed enough to make them eligible for those coveted jobs. So they try and satisfy themselves by putting their detective’s hat on during these weddings. All that they will do is get a piece of information from you then will go & cross check the same subtly with your parents, spouse or siblings. Like where are you employed they will take the answer and verify the same with someone close to you when you are not around. Why they do it or what they get out of it? I will update here once I find an answer. As of now your guess is as good as mine.

16)  Desi Cosmo & Vogue Combo - 2 in 1 Offer – These are always women folks. They run a standard programme. They will start with a 10 Minute recap of what happened in the last marriage they met you or they went, in what all ways this is different than that. Then once the recap is done and you are in the mood, the actual episode starts for 45 minutes to an hour (yes there will be no commercial breaks also) they will tell you all the filthy gossip from the family – who is dating who, who is about to divorce whom, whose marriage is in shambles, where all adultery is rampant, whose daughter ran away with whose son, whose daughter ran away and then came back, they even have information about whose daughter is about to run away again and with whom. I almost feel like they have an elaborate scoring & tracking mechanism in place monitored across the globe thru some satellite or something. Finally they will wind up the show leaving you excited about what all they will have information on when they see you next so stay tuned. I have two suggestions for this they should come with two warning messages: (a) Listener’s discretion is advised, and (b) Any event described in this conversation is fictional, any connection or similarity to any person living or dead is purely coincidental or I just want to be a BITCH!!!

17)  The Family (not Cable) Connection Guy – These folks can be of either sex, these are people who will talk endlessly without even breaking for a breath that why it is so important to attend every single wedding that happens in the family irrespective of how remote the location is, how being connected with the family and regularly meeting them is the only way to obtain eternal happiness & inner peace, they will try and show you merit in exhausting all your leaves at work to visit relatives & their weddings, they will sound completely convinced that the solution to all your problems in life lies in being with the extended family. On a side note –for me the problems gets exaggerated when I am in connection with my extended family!!!!! My suggestion – These people are great to get a thin neck, just be around them and keep nodding in complete agreement, don’t bother listening.

18)  Hungry, Hungry Hippos – This is the last stereotype which I would be talking about in this post from my side. This is very close to my heart & I am very particular about this so there would not be any humor in this. The stereotype which I am talking about is people who waste food at weddings. I absolutely despise this category – I am a firm believer of not wasting food because of the obvious reasons that everyone alive needs it and unfortunately not everyone can afford it. These worthless humans will take every dish which is on the menu, taste some of them not taste the others and just throw it away and then some of them will even criticize it, that is unacceptable and truly these people should be tied to a leash and left starving for 2 to 3 days to make them realize the importance of food. Enough Said!!!!!

So this was my experience from a family wedding after 13 years, really so many stereotypes. So once again the question, how many of them can you identify on your next family wedding experience, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

By this post I may have just eliminated my chances of ever being invited for another wedding.

In the meanwhile Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

STEREOTYPING – Up, Up And Away - AIRPORT

So right now I am at the Bangalore Airport and as usual because of my habit of arriving ridiculously early at such places I am here a full 2.5 hours before my flight. So writing this blog post is my way of killing time.

I thought Airport is one great place where we come across a whole lot of strangers, we don’t talk, we don’t pay attention to one another, all of us are calmly (or in some cases not so calmly) going about our business of boarding a flight which would take us to our desired destination. However I have always encountered people which are stereotypes. You would always find these traits at any airport and in most of your flights.

Here it goes Stereotyping while sitting at the airport:

1)      The lungs of Mighty Thor – A kid, a toddler mostly not even able to stand but got the lungs of mighty Thor and will keep crying at the top of his/her voice all the time, will not let you work in the flight or at the airport will not let you take a nap but will cry, cry & cry.

2)      The Zombie Lady – I always come across at least one lady in the waiting lounge of the airport who looks like has not slept for ages, she would look extremely tired would have dark circles below the eyes and in most of the cases will be taking care of someone who has the lungs of mighty Thor – figures why she is like a zombie. On a separate note have you ever noticed – a girl has a glow on her face if she has been kept awake the previous night by her boyfriend or husband but has a gloom if she has been kept awake by her kid – a couple of alphabets here & there can drastically change the mood just like a couple of decisions can drastically change life - Hmmm Interesting!!!!!

3)      Corporate Cry Babies – These guys will be always there in early morning flights travelling on work to another city or country but will always have reason to complaint about their corporate bookings done by their employer organizations – why did they book the flight this early? Why did they book this airline and not the other? What is the point of this travel? Why did they book economy & not business class (how many people do you know who travels Business Class in their own country at their own expense – my honest answer – I know two)

4)      Vivacious Vibrant Vibrating Teens – There is always a group of teenagers at the airport, chattering away in a small group, discussing their shopping plans, their assignments, how & for what reasons their parents would murder them. This is the only group who are enthusiastic even for an early morning flight. They are the only ones who don’t bother finding chairs in the waiting lounge but generally find a nice comfortable spot on the floor to sit.

5)      Excess Baggage is our Birthright – Yeah we all saw this coming, we cannot travel light, we need to have clothes & lots of clothes, food, & lots of food, back up locks in case the locks of suitcase breaks, jars of pickle, gifts for everyone in the family whom we are visiting, gifts from everyone in the family from where we left to be given to everyone in the family where we are going and the list never ends. You would always see one family hopelessly trying to argue or negotiate at the check in counter for allowing extra baggage without paying for it or people in absolutely hot weather wearing multiple layers of clothing so that it would not be part of check in or cabin baggage. Hilarious!!!!!

6)       Visitors in Rose garden – Just by looking at them you can say that they are the newly married couple, you can just say and I am also including non-Punjabi brides, since they are the most easily identifiable by the assortment of bangles which they wear after their marriage for a limited period of time prescribed by their religion. This type are so apparently identifiable that you would generally see a couple of seats on their side being left un occupied at the waiting lounge or are the last ones to be occupied

7)      Alice : Lost in Wonderland – These are not first time flyers, some of them are first time at that specific airport and some of them have already been there before. But still they are perpetually lost as to where to go and what to do next. From my experience I can firmly assure that none of the 20 odd airports which I would have visited in my lifetime have given me an impression of being a maze in which I will get lost. But then again I do have a tendency to get lost in car parking lots J

8)      The Checklist Couple – Most of the time you will see this couple arguing about who was supposed to do what before leaving the house, or sometimes you would see the husband running through a checklist with his wife – did you close the windows, did you lock the house, did you put the trash out, did you turn the gas off, did you do this, did you do that. I always think isn’t it a little too late to be asking these questions!!!! I always think just for the fun of it the wife should respond – “honey I left the gas on, why don’t you go back and turn it off and I will board the flight”

9)      The Loudspeaker – Actually this is the breed which you will find in multiple numbers in a single visit to the airport itself, these are people who talk so loudly on their cell phones sitting in the waiting lounge that one has to wonder why they are using cell phones at all. Slightly more loud and they can have a conversation with the person at the other end without it.

10)  The Woman of Substance - Let’s be honest with the arrival of economy carriers & our own daily lifestyles the number of trips to the airport has substantially increased for everyone and with that we have completely stopped caring about what we are wearing when we go to the airport (again particularly early morning flights). However most of the times I have come across one lady at least who stand out as an epitome of grace & class, she would be dressed in well-fitting business suit or a gorgeous dress and would have an aura of class all around her. I sometimes wonder if she is the one paying for everyone on her flight J

Yeah just to leave no room for doubt I have almost never come across guys who could fit in this stereotype – at best they will be in a suit – How Boring!!!!!

11)  Last Man Standing or rather Outstanding – These are people who would get their check in done, get their boarding passes & disappear into thin air, they become impervious to boarding announcements and would only re appear once their names are announced on the speakers for the entire airport to know about them. I wonder if they are suffering from an identity crisis and yeah congratulations now you are an airport wide known JERK

12)  AAA Classified Advisory Top Secret Group – Honestly I hate this lot perhaps second only to the kind crying their lungs out in a plane, these are folks who would be either speaking on the phone or fiddling with their BlackBerrys till the time a flight attendant comes and requests them to switch it off for takeoff. They will not pay heed to any announcements asking to switch off electronic devices. I always wonder what is so important they are discussing – are they advising Obama as to how to fight against Romney in America Presidential elections, or advising Kim Kardashian to not to date Kanye again, or asking Manmohan Singh to follow the words of Russell Peters “Be A Man”

So that was my second list of stereotypes which I could come up with on my this visit to airport, how many of them can you identify on your next flying experience , feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

On a side note I am really excited about my next post – I am visiting a family wedding and that too attending one after almost 13 Years – So next post is Stereotyping in Family Weddings.

 

STEREOTYPING – Working for a Living - WORKPLACE

I switched jobs a couple of months back so for me it has been new organization, new colleagues I thought things will be different but to my surprise I just observed that only the names and faces are different and I can fit almost every colleague’s behavior to someone who was also my colleague in my previous organization.

This is what the post is all about, I am going to put my stereotype hat on and start describing & classifying people at workplace into stereotypes. See how many you can identify which match these attributes at your workplace.

Most of these stereotypes would be indifferent of male or female sex, however if I do feel like being sexist for some of them I would mention it in their description.

They are in the order of what purely as a matter of personal opinion I fine in the descending order of irritability (from most irritating to less irritating)

1)      Derek’O Brien’s Illegitimate Children – These are people who love to ask questions, for them they have to show off what they have understood not by offering solutions but asking questions. Their questions are mostly reiterations of what has already been explained or a mere play of words. You give them one task and what you get in return is not the output/solution/deliverable but a barrage of questions.

2)      Boss Whores – Ass lickers, smoke break partners, worthless pieces of meat on the face of this planet, enough said let’s move on.

3)      Indian Idol Rejects – Horrible singers but would be at the forefront of any office outing or event singing (read as producing irritating noise) at the top of their lungs and encouraging everyone else to sing who does not want to in the hope of earning some brownie points with the management pretending to be guys who promote team bonding

4)      Richard Branson wannabes – These are people who always talk about their purchases or spending without anyone asking them ever, how many times have you heard a person saying – I bought a mac, I went to the most expensive hotel, I changed my car, I joined the most expensive health club, a Bollywood celebrity cannot find an apartment in the complex where I live, I am this, I am that etc etc.

5)      Potential Radiation Victims – There is a sexist notion associated with cell phones that girls talk a lot using their phones, I disagree since I have seen in my offices guys who have to step out every 5 mins from their desks to take a call or even worst case people who sit at their desks and talk to their distant uncles and aunts just to figure out whether their cows and buffalos are alive and doing well or they are dead

6)      Work from Home molesters – These are the people who use the facility “work from home” but are never online, do not respond to mails, whenever there are important calls their internet connections has problems, on critical deliverables they have power outages, can someone explain to them it is “work from home” and not “pretend to work from home”

7)      Strategists Bastards – A very interesting breed anything they ever talk is at least at 45000 feet, always talking bullshit in the form of strategy, these people are claimed that they see the bigger picture. A classic examples one of my team mates on a conference call when posed a question about information on a slide – the slide contained a triangle with some bubbles containing text around organization structure of a department the bubbles were both inside and outside the triangle – his response to the question was verbatim – “we have tried to look at this from an inside out perspective and not an outside in perspective” - I am yet to understand if the statement had ever any meaning however this firmly finds its place in one of the most 10 hilarious moments in my corporate career so far

8)      Whiner like a 24 Hour Diner – These folks will always find ways to present themselves as victims, they have an air (read as Cyclone) of negativity around them and would always get you down – their typical statements – this organization is not right, my role is not good, I am not getting the deserved progress, I don’t have a mentor, my in laws are not good, this is wrong in my life, that is wrong and the whining goes on & on & on 24 X 7.

9)      Once Upon a Time – Paradoxical Idiots – These guys are stuck in a time paradox and have lost contact with reality and current time line. The most typical example of these kind are lateral hires and how many times do you hear them speaking – “in my last company……” – why did you ever quit dumb fuck!!!!!

10)  Facebook & social media sluts – These people don’t need (read it as don’t deserve) an explanation, throughout office hours they would be on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, Whatsapp and every possible social media site out there.

11)  Reality Show Victims – Ok time to be a bit sexist, mostly these are females – every day for them has to be a discussion on what happened last evening on every dumb reality show which get broadcasted on any channel, this discussion is the beginning of the day caffeine shot for them, the same discussion extends their lunch breaks to more than an hour while the guys wonder what is there to discuss in these shows!!!!

12)  Sports Jihadis – Again being sexist these are almost always guys, obsessed with sports be it football, cricket, Olympics, common wealth games or anything, spots for them is religion. Their days start with discussion on yesterday’s results & their critical analysis of the match, their lunch breaks are about suggesting what strategy should have been used by which player to get the desired result & their day ends with deciding what selection of players should be chosen for the next encounter and who should retire and who should continue playing or who should be introduced in the team – problem solved!!!!!

Disclaimer: I hate 10 & 11 both equally there is no order among these two J

13)  Manmohan Singh’s Clones – Well you know what is coming don’t you – the silent no opinion, detached from world types – they have no opinion and are always ready to say yes for anything which any one says – do we want to go for a movie with the team, their answer : “ok”, should we go for a team lunch, their answer: “ok”, where should we go, their answer “anywhere everyone wants to go”, do we want to have a drinking session after office, their answer: “if everyone is going I will come”, for once in your life stand up and have an opinion.

14)  Silent Assassin – I don’t hate these people but I like them, these are guys who talk very less but are always ready with the answers, they give the best presentations, best deliverables, are ridiculously committed but will be in one side on any group events or team outings, they are termed as self-centered sometimes branded as not team players, but are as close to being in disposable as one can get for an organization.

So that was my little list of office stereotypes which I could come up with, how many of them can you identify with in your workplace, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

Further Stereotypes added on suggestions:

1)      “Official Live In Relationship” - literally – These are guys who love to be in office not because they are committed to work but because of Air Conditioning, subsidized food, table tennis, billiards table, foosball table & any other facility other than work. These guys are in office for long hours on weekdays and come to office and sleep on weekends. Most of the times they are Boss whores as the boss loves them since they spend so much time at workplace. No social life outside office & nothing to do in life best describes these folks. (Credits: Aparajita Sood)

2)      Matrimonial Victims – These are people who cannot stay out after 9:00 PM, not because they are under aged or have a guardian at home but because they are married. These are the most boring people to hang out with. In the words of Chris Rock – “All their stories end with – and then it was getting late so we went home”. Don’t get me wrong the story not only repeats itself when either the wife has to go back home or the husband has to go back home, even when both of them are in a social gathering these are the people who will leave the earliest. Even Einstein would get baffled and say that he can explain E = mc(square) but cannot explain this phenomena. (Credits: Aparajita Sood)

 

STEREOTYPING IS MORE ADDICTIVE THEN TWEETING

It has been a long time since I have written anything, in between I have changed jobs, changed my car, changed my dance classes, did my tax returns for the year, changed a lot of things and in the midst of all that I HAVE BEEN BUSY. There you go now isn’t that a famous stereotypical statement which you hear often. What I mean is that you would always have someone around you mostly at workplace or in your family who would be always telling you – “I have been upto this, I want to do this, I am so capable of doing that… I can go and set up a hydel power plant at Mars… I can devise a homemade recipe for curing cancer. But just that I don’t have the time, I am so busy.” Then you think about it, this guy has a wife perhaps one or two kids a regular house (with mortgage on it obviously) he seems to be the most run of the mill guy with the likes of whom around 50% of this planet is populated. There is nothing unique or special about his lifestyle, yet he is busy. Now time for a confession the reason I have not written anything is because I have had plenty of time but did not find anything interesting to write about. Now that changed over the last couple of months and so I am back at writing.

Over the last 4 years I have consciously trained myself not to be judgmental about people and segregate them into categories at the first glance. The reason for me to consciously do that was that neither I need nor have the right to judge people. I feel very comfortable not needing to have an opinion about everyone in life.

I am not sure about other cultures but we Indians love to be judgmental, an average Indian would perhaps have 10-12 categories in which he can classify the entire population of this planet and I can confidently say the number of categories will not increase even once we discover alien life forms & civilizations.

Let’s try and pen down some of these categories which at least we Indians have:

Fat (if you are an Indian read as healthy) & Thin (if you are an Indian read as malnutrition)

Fit (if you are an Indian read as someone who can just climb the stairs) & Unfit (if you are an Indian & you cannot eat 5 paranthas in a single sitting)

Beautiful (simplest of the lot, if you are a girl & you are fair skinned, if you are a guy then you just need to be loaded with cash) & Ugly (if you are a girl anything other than fair skin, if you are a guy then who is not loaded)

Good Character (you are willing to marry anyone whom your parents decide) & Characterless (you have an opinion about your personal life)

Concerned family person (someone who is there always to enforce his or her wealth of experience - just read as countless years of irrelevant existence on the face of earth consuming precious natural resources, over every single matter in your life, irrespective of whether you require it or not) & Irresponsible loner (someone who does not interfere in every aspect of someone else’s life)

Cultured (who touches the feet of everyone – ‘even during rainy season’ who were born after anything more than 36 seconds of their birth, and whose family does not know about their drinking & smoking habits) & Uncultured synonymous to Vulgar (this has a really interesting segregation, evaluation criteria by girls for girls – if you are not my immediate biological sister, mother or daughter sooner or later I will find a reason to classify you in this bracket, evaluation criteria by guys for girls – if you are not my immediate biological sister, mother, wife or daughter and you refused to sleep with me then sooner or later I will find a reason to classify you in this bracket)

Family (anyone or anything that ever showed up in any of your family functions, your family’s family functions, someone has told you that they are part of family but do not show up at family’s functions, don’t ever bother counting them because it is an infinite set) & not family (anyone who lives on earth and is left out from family & alien civilizations yet to be discovered)

Now those were some of the brackets which I could think of. I will append this list if I come across something else which is prominently used

My next few articles would be around stereotypes which we encounter in different familiar settings in our daily lives. Let’s see how many of them you are able to identify in your lives in similar settings.

Cheers & have a great blogging day ahead.......

Learning Dance - A Very Humbling Experience

I am not a professional dancer… never would be…. Over the last approximately six & a half years I have been attending part time dance classes just as a hobby… I had invested four & a half years learning salsa, around 11 months with an intention to get the basic knowledge of ballet & jazz, currently I am learning contemporary for the past 8 months & regularly on the lookout for more dance classes which I could join …..

I am no expert in dance….as a matter of fact my knowledge would be equivalent to a drop in an ocean. But I have had the good fortune of observing quite a few instructors either by attending their classes… or observing their classes or interacting with some of them without ever being part of their classes… the dance forms which these instructors taught varied across Salsa, Bachata, Zouk, Hip Hop, Ballet, Jazz, Swing, Waltz, Contemporary…. I hope I did not miss out anything……

Although I have only pursued dance as a hobby… I read about it a lot… through books, interviews, dance related blog sites, my friends posting blogs about dance, news that gets published on the net for major dance competitions and any other informative material on which I can get my hands on…. The thought of writing this blog post came to me because I wanted to pen down not my experience with dance but rather the experience which dance has given me over the past 6 years. I am in no way even near to completing my journey in dancing I would want to continue as long as I can………

Now that we have the context clear…… If I think back over the past 6.5 years I have learned from different instructors…. There have been instructors who have told me to not intervene at all in their choreography or method of teaching and just follow what they are asking everyone to do… and on the other end of the spectrum there have been instructors who have told me that they will just give me movements, how I piece them together or how I mould them is up to me, as per them choreographing a dance is putting a lid on the creativity of the students……. I have had instructors whose motivational speech before a performance was focused on how as a group we should go out there & prove to all other dance schools that we are better than them, annihilate the competition etc etc….. at the same time there have been instructors who before a performance have asked us to go out there enjoy ourselves & be proud of what we are doing…… if I am asked a question what is right & what is wrong… I don’t want to arrive at an answer or a conclusion because as per me very few instances in this world can be categorized as absolutely right or wrong there are just opinions & there is no right or wrong opinions as they are opinions and not judgments’… Judgments can be absolutely right or wrong not opinions……

I sincerely feel an urge to quote an incident here… at one point of time around 5 years back I asked one of my instructors as to why he never approaches or interacts much or attend any workshops of any other instructors… his reply was “Either they (the other instructors) do stuff which I don’t like and whatever else they do I can do it easier & better”….. I left the conversation there at that point... but after a year or so when I began to realize the potential joy & expansiveness dance brings to a person…. All that I could do was feel grieved about how this person has closed doors to a sea of knowledge which he could have embraced and expanded himself…. But again I don’t say he was right or wrong… that was his opinion this is mine……..

Now about my journey with dance & how it has changed me & still continues to change me every day & with every additional class I attend….. Learning dance has been a very humbling experience for me…. It has made me more aware of myself by immersing myself in movements & losing myself…. Whenever today in a class I try to jump higher and open my arms… I feel like I am embracing the world… gathering more from the world by opening my arms wider, jumping higher & holding my center to remain suspended in the air for a fraction of second longer so that I can gather more……. Dancing has introduced a very calm feeling around me….. dance is like a friend which will never disappoint you or leave you or ditch you or put you down. Dance is like the friend to whom you can convey any emotion which you want to convey joy, grief, laughter, anger and any other emotion….. dance is like a friend who will come & tell you everything; a dance can be sad, joyous, filled with grief, seething with anger….. dance is like a friend who will give you the best moments & never asking anything in return……

Dance is something which can make you so tired that if you are suffering from insomnia then you can fall asleep like a baby or can give you that extra shot of adrenaline if you want to stay awake for a long time…… For me dance has made me calm as a person & it has introduced calmness around me, it has given me the venting space for my creativity… creating movement to music, conveying the message without ever exercising your vocal chords purely through movements & expressions, trying to jump that extra few inches higher, trying to get a movement to look & feel good for yourself, suffering from  niggling pains in different part of the body during the entire day just because you pushed yourself a little harder, stretched a bit more, put in a little extra then your body would allow you….. can give you a high which no other drug can…. It is an addiction & mostly a healthy one……

As it stands today dance is an integral part of my existence…. It a part of my soul which cannot be separated….. it has given me so much that I already have given up hope of ever paying it back in any way or form…… now if I look back & imagine what I would have missed out had I not stepped in the studio for my first ever dance class 6 years back.. the thought is scary enough to make me not think of it any further…….

Today my determination is firm to continue to learn dance for as long as I can….. thanks ‘Dance’ for everything…. I would have been so incomplete without you……. I know you would never leave me & I hope I also would never let you go……..

Irony of a Standup Comedian

I very regularly visit plays, musicals, stand up acts & other similar events… I like them a lot more than either serials on television or any movies playing in the theatres… I find these events to be a more creative, challenging to pull off, closer to reality & definitely more entertaining…….

Anyone who has been on stage performing for an audience would agree when I say this that an artist does not need to finish his part go backstage & then analyze or ask someone as to how the performance was or what was the audience reaction… within a minute an artist is on stage he can immediately know whether the energy is getting channeled back from the audience to him or not…. The reaction need not always be laughter but would be the similarity in emotion which the artist is trying to convey through his or her work… if the artist is performing comedy… the emotion channeled back from the audience would be laughter & joy… if the artist is trying to convey grief… the emotion channeled back from the audience would be grief felt by the audience…… anger for anger.. sympathy for sympathy & so on… this channeling & live exchange of energy & emotion starts within the first few minutes an artist is on stage……

Last month I attended a standup comedy night, the show featured four artists each having a solo act of around 30 to 35 Minutes with the total duration of appx two & a quarter hours….. the act of first artist was a big success the entire audience laughed their socks off……….. the main thought of this post came to me from the act of the second artist… since I visit these events frequently I was aware that the artist performing the second act is a full time actor but not a full time stand up comedian & obviously majority of the audience did not had this information… and not being a full time comedian led to his act being very less impactful and hilarious then the artist which preceded him or succeeded him… the audience was barely reacting….the laughter from the earlier act had now transformed into chuckles…. That too was not very frequent….. I would still commend the artist because he gave his 100% throughout… he finished his act & was sent off with a courtesy warm applause… the two acts which followed his again picked up the tempo to end the evening on a high….

On my way back this got me thinking as to how difficult it would be for the artist to go through this experience…… he would have known how his act would go within minutes of him being up there on the stage trying to interact with the audience… trying to initiate the energy exchange channel of the same type of energy which he was making a sincere attempt to pass to the audience….the impact of the situation gets compounded because he is doing a stand up comedy act… he is suppose to look joyous… funny…. Hilarious…. Happy… contend with himself….. although every second he is spending on stage is draining so much out of him because he is passing energy to 450 people sitting in the audience but barely getting anything back to refill himself to continue…… even once his act was over & he would have been sitting backstage, then also no one would need to tell him that his act was not as effective as others Stage is a live X Ray machine.. the results are there live for everyone including the patient to see.. the printed report later is just a document conveying the same thing not of much use other then placing it in a file……

A lot changed for me after that evening… my respect & appreciation for that artist increased a million times… infact for all the artists who either have an off day or a show which does not go as they wanted it to… or all the artists who have not yet mastered the art of engaging the audience every time they are on stage… but still having the courage to perform on the satge…... willing to go out there and fight the silent battle in which you as an artist know the result within the first few minutes…. but you still carry on fighting either for your fellow soldiers who are the other actors on stage or for your king which is the audience watching you…………..

Rafael Nadal once after losing to Roger Federer in one of the grand slams said, “One needs to face defeats to value their victories”… for all the artists who have experienced this or are experiencing this… a big round of applause & appreciation from me for continuing the fight……. Warriors who assume legendary status are not those who always were on the winning side…. but those who gave it their all at the time of battle……..

Contradiction of Expression-Intention-Interpretation

We all have experienced how difficult it could be to shop for the opposite sex - the purpose does not simplify the problem - it could be a gift, could be just something good you saw for someone…. practically any reason, As far as I have seen the problem exists for both sexes while trying to accomplish this feat. The problem gets compounded if you actually care for the person you are buying & care as to how his/her reaction would be once she/he gets hold of it. Taking my example itself… I shop a lot (I am on the verge of becoming an obsessive compulsive shopaholic) however whenever I shop I keep an eye out for stuff for my sister & although luckily she has been mighty impressed by the stuff which I have ever bought for her & has more confidence on my taste than I have..... yet I am always nervous when I buy for her & that is the reason why I restrict my shopping to hand bags, clutches, footwear, jewellery & other accessories but any kind of garment is a strict no- no the simple reason being the number of risk factors which can go wrong are way too high… the cut of the dress, the fall, the length, the size, the color, the fitting etc etc etc… too risky a proposition for me to undertake.

The incident which prompts me to write this is what I came across during my recent trip to London for around a week. I was shopping at a Burberry Outlet & was just going about my business of shopping for blazers when a female of Japanese origin aged about 25 – 30 came up to me & very politely asked me that what do I think of the trench coat for man she was holding in her hand, I looked at it & genuinely said it looks good. Then she explained that she was looking to buy something for her boyfriend & I resemble him as far as body shape, height etc are concerned & if I could just wear the coat & confirm to her if the size is ok & she wanted to see how it looks on me to get an idea of how it would look on her boyfriend…. I gladly obliged, did a bit of modeling for her… handed the coat back to her she said thanks & then went towards the billing counter. Almost exactly the same incident happen with me the next day when I was at Oxford Street again shopping at Harvey Nichols, the only difference was that the lady was of British Origin, same age group & this time the garment was a sweat shirt….

My total stay in London was 5 days & similar incident occurring twice got me thinking…. The thought was why don’t I do this when I am shopping for someone or see others doing it often in India…. & 2 incidents straight away come to my mind first was at Garuda Mall in Bangalore & second one was at Palladium Shopping Mall in Mumbai… both time I saw two girls at each of these places completely perplexed & confused as to what size would fit the guy for which they were  buying in the first case it was a shirt & in the latter case it was a blazer… both times I observed the discussion between the two of them continued for more than half an hour without any consensus or outcome… which is obvious since the information to generate outcome was itself missing…… reading the above, the solution seems very simple… they could have looked around for a guy who had the same physical resemblance requested him to try & could have made a decision… come to think of it they could have asked one of the stores salesman to do the same for them… but I have never seen this happening……

Post my return from London I met one of my friends & asked her for her opinion as to why in our country people do not ask for this kind of assistance from either fellow shoppers at the store or sales staff itself….. her immediate response was it would be interpreted as if the guy is asking a girl, he is making a pass at her & if the situation is other way around the girl is making a pass at the guy…… My logical sense went into a frenzy I explained to her that lets take a step back & think about it… if a girl is asking a guy to try something & giving him the background information that she wants to buy something for another guy… unless she explicitly mentions that it is for her brother or cousin or relative hasn’t she already eliminated any chance of her even being remotely interested in making a pass at you….. it is like someone walking up to you & saying “Hi! I just got a minus twelve in my IQ test would you like to discuss Quantum Physics with me?”… & the same logic would hold good for a guy asking help from a girl… but it does not happen… at least not very often……

On introspection I would also not do this if I am shopping in India...I am too scared since I also believe it will be interpreted the same way which my friend explained…. in London or US perhaps yes I will after the experiences which I have had. But that brings me to the question which is still unanswered… that is actually has our societal values, the environment in which we are bought up holds such a vice grip on certain behavioral patterns of our life that logic & rationale take a back seat… perhaps yes…. I feel really great when the I see young & even younger generations liberating themselves from such vice grips in various dimensions but at the same I get worried when I see ‘liberation’ being used & exercised way too ‘liberally’….. but again liberation is not a measuring scale & there is no optimum level of liberation… the pendulum will keep swinging on either side of the spectrum….. however a pendulum swinging is anyday better then remaining stationary & gathering dust…..

Ignorance for love to Ignorance in love to Ignorance of love…..

The incident which prompts me to write this goes in this way…. Some days back I had an opening in my department, the department for which I work for in my company is one of the high profile departments in the organization & much respected in the banking industry as a whole…. My manager asked me if I knew someone who could be suitable for the position… I knew a guy from my previous company who could fit the bill… good technical skills, honest, hard working had most of the attributes which we were looking for. So I met him over a cup of coffee to explain the role and also answer any questions which he may have plus a little catch up since we were meeting after a long time….. The guy was working in Bangalore but the position was in Mumbai and if he gets selected he would be required to move to Mumbai… the guy actually is from Mumbai & that’s where his parents are… I told him the status as is that this job would require relocation… this guy was pleasantly surprised and became more interested in the job… he said he is very willing to move to Mumbai and would be able to do so at a very short notice…. And said that he is very keen for this…. The conversation ended we said how good it was to catch up with one another after such a long time and that he will send me across his CV for me to refer the same…..

After meeting him when I was driving back I was thinking how could he just say that he is willing to relocate so easily & that too at a very short notice…. Now you all must be thinking what is wrong with that… and some of you may have assumed him to be very career oriented, determined etc etc etc….. well here is why it gets me thinking.. the guy is married for 2 years… his wife works in Accenture (obviously in Bangalore)… I have never met his wife but little from what I know she always wanted to have a professional career….. this guy without having a flash of thought goes ahead & firmly commits that he is willing to relocate without even having any second thoughts about his wife’s career… will she be able to get a transfer to Mumbai (I don’t even know if accenture has a set up in Mumbai or not), will she get a new job easily…. Is she comfortable moving in with her in laws…. Does she want to move if she is doing well in her career at this place…. Doesn’t being married for 2 years she deserves an honest discussion and sharing of her viewpoint with her husband before he commits that he is ok with moving cities?????

It baffles me completely… reminds me of the incident one year back when was taking a telephonic interview of a girl for an opening in my function… during the discussion I mentioned that this role may require you to travel for 3-4 months in a year and would she be ok with it.... she replied that she would have to discuss the same with her husband and get back to me… isn’t this all too familiar in our culture/social set up…. My question is even fundamental why females are so considerate & so thoughtful in any situation while guys behave like f***ing morons….. if I discuss this with some people I would get the answer that is the way it works…. I say bullshit…. It is just that guys have failed to evolve into human beings and that makes me sick to my gut….

I have seen quite a few guys from being ignorant of everything trying to find love…. Then being ignorant of everything else once they have find love (or for some of them once they have “conquered” or “achieved” love)… finally becoming ignorant of someone whom they loved particularly after marriage… witnessing this makes me very uncomfortable to say the least…..

There is another phenomenon in this context which merits mentioning here what I call as “me” to “we” to “he” transition…. For a girl before entering in a relationship or marriage it is all about “me” – I want to go to this college, I want to do this course, I want that dress, those boots etc etc, once in a relationship or after marriage the overnight transition happens and everything become “we” – We want to go to this place, we want this kind of an apartment etc etc… the last phase is when everything becomes “he”, he would want this, he would want to go there, he would like to have this for dinner etc etc….. on the other hand the “me” state for guy remains the same at all points of time in most of the cases…. Yes I know most of guys will never agree to this but there are enough cases to look around…. Okay I admit they do change to the “we” state for some time in a relationship or early days in marriage but that’s about it…..

I am not trying to induce gender bias in this post (just to mention I am a guy, if that helps) but it is just disappointing to see that within human beings one sex has evolved so much, become so mentally equipped to face challenges and still make things work while the other still lags behind believing in or rather trapped in a fictitious glorious past which never existed, refusing to evolve…….

Btw…. I did not act like a douche bag I still sent across his CV for the opening in my department…… :):):)

Two Ways of Looking at Things….. Two Beautiful Examples

These two thoughts have touched my life in an unparallel way and I definitely thought that this deserves to be the content of the first blog post that I ever write…….

I am of the firm opinion that there are always two ways of looking at things…. Or at least minimum of two ways of looking at anything….. very few things in the universe are absolute most of them are relative, relative to the context, relative to the situation, relative to the time frame/period in which it I s being looked at….. I have used this analogy at my work, my studies, my personal life and on any occasion in which I needed to observe or experience anything…. On this note I thought of sharing the two most beautiful instances which I have come across which are cases of how we look at things (names have been changed to maintain anonymity)

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First Instance:  Dinesh & Akhil are two best of friends since college; they are sitting in a coffee shop on a regular Saturday Evening in Bangalore. Dinesh is very nervous since he is aware the Akhil has lost her girlfriend (Niharika) & her entire family whom he very well knew and loved, a couple of months ago in a car accident. Dinesh is not sure about the state of mind in which Akhil is in & how has he reacted to the entire trauma. During the conversation between the two:

Dinesh: Yaar…. Must be really difficult for you after what happened with Niharika

Akhil: Yup… it is difficult but I am rather ok about it

Dinesh (Surprised & more nervous): How can you be ok about it…. It should really be eating you from inside

Akhil: No… I am actually pleased about it do you want to know why?

Dinesh: Are you fucking out of your mind WHY???

Akhil (Calmly): I am proud & happy that I made a girl so beautiful fall in love with me whom even God could not resist, and since she was in love with me and obviously God could not have her so it decided to take her away from me but could not get her to love anyone else other than me……

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Second Instance: Dinesh & Akhil are two best of friends since college; they are sitting in a coffee shop on a regular Saturday Evening in Bangalore. Akhil has a friend Niharika whom he is head over heels in love with but knows that Niharika is in a relationship with another guy. Dinesh is aware of the situation. During the conversation between the two:

Dinesh: So what are you gonna do about this, will you talk to Niharika and tell her how you feel about her?

Akhil: Naah… there is no point… I am just gonna let the moment pass and move on…..

Dinesh: Shit…. Don’t you wish if somehow Niharika were to break up with this guy and you telling her how you feel may bring her in your life… you folks are great friends & you have known her for over a year now… she is a great girl……?

Akhil: I would never want that to happen…..

Dinesh: But WHY? You do like her don’t you?

Akhil: That’s exactly my point….. if I need to tell her about my feelings then beforehand there has to be a fallout between her and her boyfriend as a result of the separation she will undergo a lot of pain…… and people whom you love you don’t want to see them going through any pain…. I would want to see her happy at all times………. I will try my best that she stays happy………

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You Think You Know Me????

This is not the first time I am writing something but this is the first blog post that I am ever writing. Two things that I wanted to say in the first blog post were (1) why am I starting now to write blog posts? And (2) Why the name “Expressions….Emotions….Explanations”

To answer the first, I still don’t have a concrete reason as to why start now… but this is how it has happened, last week I met with an external trainer who had come to the organization in which I work to give training on a particular subject…. I was one of the people who attended the training, part of my nature is to continuously interact in all the trainings I attend, it also helps me keep awake. So I raised a few questions which I wanted to further discuss and they were addressed very well by the trainer…… she was very good with the subject no second thoughts about it… but the interesting part of the discussion happened over lunch… we were just chatting & then topics migrated from workplace & training to cover a wide variety of topics which covered current affairs, religions, social set up, hypocrisy in society, taboos, relationships in urban world, personalities etc etc…… infact the discussion starting over lunch continued between us almost 2 hours after the training in my office cafeteria…. It was a very intriguing discussion to say the least and we both contradicted each other on a lot of occasions… and each one of us put forward our viewpoints as to why we believe in whatever we believe in… at the end of it all when she had to leave to catch her late evening flight back to her city.. she said that she had rarely come across people like me who have very different views on everything and can so well articulate what their thoughts are…. Whoa… that coming from a trainer who has over 15 years of experience in training & interacting with people across industries, across organizations, across cultures, across geographical locations was a big compliment…. And she strongly recommended that I start writing as this would help me further improve my articulation skills. This actually made me think, over a long period of time I have consistently got this feedback that I can explain things very well…. From my friends, from my college professors, from the kids I use to teach when I was in college, from the management for all the organizations I have worked for….. and since I do think about a lot of things (trust me thinking is one thing I do a lot) & already have the habit of putting them down on paper… why not put it on a blog post and so here it is…. My blog containing ‘my expressions’, ‘my emotions’ & ‘my explanations’.

Now on to the second… took me a couple of days to think of a name which I would want to have (just reemphasizes what I mentioned in the first para, I think a lot….) but the name should represent what the blog posts will contain:

Expressions: For me expression is the inference which I derive from observing anything around me and the action it results in… for example me stopping my car to allow a lady to cross the road by blocking traffic behind me even though the guy in the car behind me is honking his way to glory, or stopping an elevator when I see someone rushing towards the same and it is about to get closed with me inside it, or hold open the entrance of my apartment building if I see someone carry multiple carry bags loaded with groceries and the examples can go on & on.. these are expressions or gestures which I execute and many more which I come across on a daily basis… all of them give me a lot of food for thought.

Emotions: Emotions for me are outlets of feelings from observing anything around me and the feelings becoming the actions and the observation not resulting in any action…. (well so much for clear articulation……) for example feelings when you see marriages of your friends breaking down left, right & center, feelings when you see people fighting after a road accident instead of paying attention to the wounded, feelings when I see how screwed up the social set up around me is & the hypocrisy it advocates for, feelings when I see people who have trapped themselves in their own worlds & are convinced that they have seen everything….  And once again the list goes on & on… these also get me thinking… thinking a lot…..about human society, evolution, maturity and all the social institutions itself…

Explanations:  Now for me everything has an explanation & I spend a lot of time trying to find explanations. Expressions & Emotions… one results in action and the other may not result in action but both of them for me always have an explanation attached if we are willing to think enough, look enough or simply wait long enough…. Anything which I write be it about an emotion or expression will always have an explanation attached to it….. Explanation does not prove that someone is right or wrong… for me explanation is the reason behind the action which one takes for an expression or feelings one experiences for emotions…… it is the advanced sub conscious section of your brain pulling strings for you to either do those actions or have those feelings…

So “Expressions….Emotions….Explanations….” lets see where I go with it….. Cheers.......