I switched jobs a couple of months back so for me it has been new organization, new colleagues I thought things will be different but to my surprise I just observed that only the names and faces are different and I can fit almost every colleague’s behavior to someone who was also my colleague in my previous organization.
This is what the post is all about, I am going to put my stereotype hat on and start describing & classifying people at workplace into stereotypes. See how many you can identify which match these attributes at your workplace.
Most of these stereotypes would be indifferent of male or female sex, however if I do feel like being sexist for some of them I would mention it in their description.
They are in the order of what purely as a matter of personal opinion I fine in the descending order of irritability (from most irritating to less irritating)
1) Derek’O Brien’s Illegitimate Children – These are people who love to ask questions, for them they have to show off what they have understood not by offering solutions but asking questions. Their questions are mostly reiterations of what has already been explained or a mere play of words. You give them one task and what you get in return is not the output/solution/deliverable but a barrage of questions.
2) Boss Whores – Ass lickers, smoke break partners, worthless pieces of meat on the face of this planet, enough said let’s move on.
3) Indian Idol Rejects – Horrible singers but would be at the forefront of any office outing or event singing (read as producing irritating noise) at the top of their lungs and encouraging everyone else to sing who does not want to in the hope of earning some brownie points with the management pretending to be guys who promote team bonding
4) Richard Branson wannabes – These are people who always talk about their purchases or spending without anyone asking them ever, how many times have you heard a person saying – I bought a mac, I went to the most expensive hotel, I changed my car, I joined the most expensive health club, a Bollywood celebrity cannot find an apartment in the complex where I live, I am this, I am that etc etc.
5) Potential Radiation Victims – There is a sexist notion associated with cell phones that girls talk a lot using their phones, I disagree since I have seen in my offices guys who have to step out every 5 mins from their desks to take a call or even worst case people who sit at their desks and talk to their distant uncles and aunts just to figure out whether their cows and buffalos are alive and doing well or they are dead
6) Work from Home molesters – These are the people who use the facility “work from home” but are never online, do not respond to mails, whenever there are important calls their internet connections has problems, on critical deliverables they have power outages, can someone explain to them it is “work from home” and not “pretend to work from home”
7) Strategists Bastards – A very interesting breed anything they ever talk is at least at 45000 feet, always talking bullshit in the form of strategy, these people are claimed that they see the bigger picture. A classic examples one of my team mates on a conference call when posed a question about information on a slide – the slide contained a triangle with some bubbles containing text around organization structure of a department the bubbles were both inside and outside the triangle – his response to the question was verbatim – “we have tried to look at this from an inside out perspective and not an outside in perspective” - I am yet to understand if the statement had ever any meaning however this firmly finds its place in one of the most 10 hilarious moments in my corporate career so far
8) Whiner like a 24 Hour Diner – These folks will always find ways to present themselves as victims, they have an air (read as Cyclone) of negativity around them and would always get you down – their typical statements – this organization is not right, my role is not good, I am not getting the deserved progress, I don’t have a mentor, my in laws are not good, this is wrong in my life, that is wrong and the whining goes on & on & on 24 X 7.
9) Once Upon a Time – Paradoxical Idiots – These guys are stuck in a time paradox and have lost contact with reality and current time line. The most typical example of these kind are lateral hires and how many times do you hear them speaking – “in my last company……” – why did you ever quit dumb fuck!!!!!
10) Facebook & social media sluts – These people don’t need (read it as don’t deserve) an explanation, throughout office hours they would be on Facebook, Twitter, My Space, Whatsapp and every possible social media site out there.
11) Reality Show Victims – Ok time to be a bit sexist, mostly these are females – every day for them has to be a discussion on what happened last evening on every dumb reality show which get broadcasted on any channel, this discussion is the beginning of the day caffeine shot for them, the same discussion extends their lunch breaks to more than an hour while the guys wonder what is there to discuss in these shows!!!!
12) Sports Jihadis – Again being sexist these are almost always guys, obsessed with sports be it football, cricket, Olympics, common wealth games or anything, spots for them is religion. Their days start with discussion on yesterday’s results & their critical analysis of the match, their lunch breaks are about suggesting what strategy should have been used by which player to get the desired result & their day ends with deciding what selection of players should be chosen for the next encounter and who should retire and who should continue playing or who should be introduced in the team – problem solved!!!!!
Disclaimer: I hate 10 & 11 both equally there is no order among these two J
13) Manmohan Singh’s Clones – Well you know what is coming don’t you – the silent no opinion, detached from world types – they have no opinion and are always ready to say yes for anything which any one says – do we want to go for a movie with the team, their answer : “ok”, should we go for a team lunch, their answer: “ok”, where should we go, their answer “anywhere everyone wants to go”, do we want to have a drinking session after office, their answer: “if everyone is going I will come”, for once in your life stand up and have an opinion.
14) Silent Assassin – I don’t hate these people but I like them, these are guys who talk very less but are always ready with the answers, they give the best presentations, best deliverables, are ridiculously committed but will be in one side on any group events or team outings, they are termed as self-centered sometimes branded as not team players, but are as close to being in disposable as one can get for an organization.
So that was my little list of office stereotypes which I could come up with, how many of them can you identify with in your workplace, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.
In the meanwhile Happy Stereotyping!!!!!
Further Stereotypes added on suggestions:
1) “Official Live In Relationship” - literally – These are guys who love to be in office not because they are committed to work but because of Air Conditioning, subsidized food, table tennis, billiards table, foosball table & any other facility other than work. These guys are in office for long hours on weekdays and come to office and sleep on weekends. Most of the times they are Boss whores as the boss loves them since they spend so much time at workplace. No social life outside office & nothing to do in life best describes these folks. (Credits: Aparajita Sood)
2) Matrimonial Victims – These are people who cannot stay out after 9:00 PM, not because they are under aged or have a guardian at home but because they are married. These are the most boring people to hang out with. In the words of Chris Rock – “All their stories end with – and then it was getting late so we went home”. Don’t get me wrong the story not only repeats itself when either the wife has to go back home or the husband has to go back home, even when both of them are in a social gathering these are the people who will leave the earliest. Even Einstein would get baffled and say that he can explain E = mc(square) but cannot explain this phenomena. (Credits: Aparajita Sood)
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