Books That Would Never Be!!!!

If you have ever asked anyone “how to get rich?” or “how to make money?” You would realize that the most pathetic and lame answers always come from people who are rich and are doing well for themselves. One such lame answer which I have consistently got is one should read books about people who have made it big – read books on Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Anupam Kher etc etc etc… when I listen to these I go like What the hell is wrong with you, these people have talent or they are hardworking and some of these freaks are both, what an average Joe or Lily requires is not people or books who can inspire him/her to be rich but rather books which can tell how to conspire to be rich.

And this got me thinking as to who are those people out there who don’t have anything to do with writing books but if they ever were to write one what will the title be.

This is just the outcome of a lot of spare time and thinking about worthless things which I waste time in and claim to be intellectually stimulating.

1)      Kim Kardashian - How to Loose a Guy in 72 Days & make 7.5 Million Dollars (Credits - How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days by Jeannie Long, Michele Alexander )

2)      Lance Armstrong - Every Puff/Shot Counts (Credits - Every Second Counts by Lance Armstrong)

3)      Poonam Pandey - Sealed with a Bikini Shot : The story of 2011 World Cup (Credits - Sealed with a Six : The Story of 2011 World Cup by ESPNCricinfo)

4)      Karan Johar - How to Win Boyfriends & Influence Men (Credits - How to Win Friends & Influence People By Dale Carnegie)

5)      Emraan Hashmi - Stop Acting & Start Kissing (Credits - Stop Worrying & Start Living By Dale Carnegie)

6)      Tushar Kapoor - Make Yourself Unbearable : How to Become the Person Everyone Cracks Jokes and No One Can Stand (Credits - Make Yourself Unforgettable : How to Become the Person Everyone Remembers and No One Can Resist By Dale Carnegie)

***** I just made Dale Carnegie do a somersault in his grave****

7)      Bill gates - Fifty Versions of Windows (Credits - Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James )

8)      Michael Jackson - P.S I Love Kids (Credits - P.S I love you by Cecelia Ahern)

9)      Monica Lewinsky - One Night @ Bill's Office - Preface by Bill Clinton (Credits - One Night @ call center by Chetan Bhagat)

10)  Sanjay Dutt - The 3 mistakes of my life - Drugs, Guns & Manyata (Credits - The 3 Mistakes of My Life by Chetan Bhagat)

11)  Katrina Kaif - Five Point Something : My IQ (Credits - Five Point Someone by Chetan Bhagat)

12)  Rahul Gandhi - What Young India Wants: Yeah Like I would Know!!! (Credits - What Young India Wants by Chetan Bhagat)

****** Chetan Bhagat – his tweets and his books both are unreadable & atrocious****

13)  Lindsay Lohan – She is too learned to write one book it will be a series:

Rehab for Beginners

Rehab for Intermediate

Rehab for Advanced

and if one orders all the 3 together they get a 4th one free

Rehab for Dummies

 (Credits - "For Dummies" Series published by John Wiley & Sons)

14)  Paris Hilton - The Diary of Paris: Sextape, Tinkerbell and Handbags! (Credits - The Diary of Amos Lee: Girls, Guts and Glory! by Adeline Foo)

15)  Ranbir Kapoor - She Broke Up, I Didn't!... I Just Kissed Someone Else! (Credits - She Broke Up, I Didn't!... I Just Kissed Someone Else! By Durjoy Datta)

16)  Sooraj Pancholi - You were my crush : Till you said you love me (Credits - You were my crush : Till you said you love me By Durjoy Datta)

17)  John Abraham - Ohh Yes I am single : And so is my girlfriend (Credits - Ohh Yes I am single : And so is my girlfriend By Durjoy Datta)

18)  Soha Ali Khan & Kunal Khemu - Of Course we love each other : since we cannot find someone better (Credits - Of Course I love you : till I find someone better By Durjoy Datta)

*******I hate Durjoy Datta’s books the only thing good about his books are their titles*******

19)  Simi Garewal - A Woman of Botox (Credits - A Woman of Substance by Barbara Taylor Bradford)

20)  Jiah Khan - Till Suicide do us part - It finally did!!!! (Credits - Till Death Do Us Part by Lurlene McDaniel)

21)  Aishwarya Rai - Media and My Weight Gain Tamasha (Credits - Women And The Weight Loss Tamasha by Rujuta Diwekar )

22)  Dev Anand - 1000 Years of Annoying the Earth (Credits - 1000 Years of Annoying the French by Stephen Clarke )

23)  Aamir Khan - Everything & Anything - I know Best (Credits - The Things I Know Best by Lynne Hinton & J. Lynne Hinton )

24)  Salman Khan - The Asshole who drove his Ferrari - Over Humans!!! (Credits - The Monk who sold His Ferrari by Robin Sharma)

25)  Sharukh Khan - Can't stop Obsessing!: How to Overcome my self-Obsessions and self-Compulsions (Credits - Stop Obsessing!: How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions by Edna B. Foa, Reid Wilson )

26)  Uday Chopra - The Acting Career of a Nobody (Credits - The Diary of a Nobody by George Grossmith)

27)  Deepika Padukone - Catch - 22222222222222222222222 (Credits - Catch-22  by Joseph Heller)

28)  Arjun Rampal - The Man in the Wooden Face (Credits - The Man in the Iron Mask by Alexandre Dumas )

29)  Raakhi Sawant - Honour Among Sluts (Credits - Honour Among Thieves by Jeffrey Archer)

30)  Sooraj Barjatya - Forty Weddings & four bazillion wedding songs (Credits - Four Weddings and a Funeral by Richard Curtis )

31)  Kareena Kapoor - The Best thing about this world is me - Mein Apni Favorite Hoon!!!! (Credits - The Best Thing About You Is You! by Anupam Kher )

32)  Vijaya Mallaya - If God was a Banker - I would still not pay my employees (Credits - If God Was a Banker by Ravi Subramanian)

33)  Siddharth Mallaya - The Mallaya Legacy and story of Mental Retardation (Credits - The Kennedy Family and Story of Mental Retardation by Edward Shorter)

34)  Rihanna & Chris Brown - When the Umbrella Folds : A memoir of being together after physical abuse (Credits - When the Piano Stops: A Memoir of Healing from Sexual Abuse by Catherine McCall )

35)  Steve Jobs - Touch Trouble in the Big Apple (Credits - Big Trouble in The Big Apple by Geronimo Stilton & Thea Stilton )

36)  Lady Gaga - The Presentation Antics of Lady Gaga : How to Be Insanely obnoxious in Front of Any Audience (Credits - The Presentation Secrets of Steve Jobs : How to Be Insanely Great in Front of Any Audience by Carmine Gallo)

37)  Manmohan Singh - The Silence of the Sardars (Credits - The Slience of the Lambs by Thomas Harris)

38)  L K Advani - One Hundred years of Rath Yatras (Credits - One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez)

39)  Raj Thackeray - How the Grinch Stole Valentine! (Credits - How the Grinch Stole Christmas!  by Dr Seuss )

40)  Narendra Modi - Seven Hundred Attempts: My Pursuit of PM's Post  (Credits - Seven Deadly Sins: My Pursuit of Lance Armstrong by David Walsh)

41)  Sonia Gandhi - The Italian Commandment (Credits - The Italian Job by Gianluca Vialli, Gabriele Marcotti and The Eleventh Commandment by Jeffrey Archer)

42)  Mahendra Singh Dhoni - The Wizard of Jharkhand (Credits - The Wizard of OZ by L. Frank Baum)

43)  Ricky Ponting - 7 Steps to Effective Sledging (Credits - 7 Steps Series by Goodwill Publishing House)

44)  Tigerwoods - Tigerwoods's Adventures In Wonderland (Credits - Alice's Adventures In Wonderland  by Lewis Carroll)

45)  Rafael Nadal - The Greener Grass Conspiracy: Finding Contentment on Federer's Ass (Credits - The Greener Grass Conspiracy: Finding Contentment on Your Side of the Fence by Stephen Altrogge )

46)  Roger Federer - The Roger Federer Story: Quest for Clay (Credits - The Roger Federer Story: Quest for Perfection by Rene Stauffer)

47)  S Sreesanth - The Towel Fixer Code (Credits - The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown)

48)  Mika - Scandals, Kisses & Shitty Songs (Credits - Sex, Lies & Videotapes by Christian Cipollini, Scott Wilson )

I WISH YOU GO AWAY

Inspired by – “I want you to stay” by Rihanna Feat Mikky Ekko

Heart pierced by a cleaver 

Holding to pieces looking for a weaver 

I am now in a very dark lair not looking for any favor 

All around me filled by an air of despair 

Wanna live I wanna live I wanna live I so let me go 

Ohhh won’t let you sink me making sure that you know 

Can’t see the shadows in this light 

Darkness all around me you left 

All feelings lost I don’t wanna be around you 

Don’t have it in me to sway 

I wish you go away 

My Faith is lost nothin i believe in

Everything seems fair nothing is forgiven 

Wanna live I wanna live I wanna live I so let me go 

Ohhh won’t let you sink me making sure that you know 

Can’t see the shadows in this light 

Darkness all around me you left 

All feelings lost I don’t wanna be around you 

Don’t have it in me to sway 

I wish you go away 

Ohhh my heart you step on

Ohhh made me feel like black swan

Really pain would be the end of me but I know I need to keep living 

We will never meet again and find out what each of us have been missing 

Can’t see the shadows in this light 

Darkness all around me you left 

All feelings lost I don’t wanna be around you 

Don’t have it in me to sway 

I wish you go away, away 

I wish you go away, ohhh 

Crappy, Crooked, Creepy, Corrupt Cricket – Indian Pakau League (IPL)

So finally India Premier League (IPL) Season 6 has ended, they say it is 76 matches spread over 7 weeks. I say anything which happens at an average almost 11 times in a week cannot be said it is spread over, I would say 76 matches piled up and shoved down everyone’s throat over 7 weeks. Now I am not a fan of cricket - yeah I know half of you are like camera panning out at high speed and with a hair flick while turning towards the camera and like in a typical C grade reality show on Indian Television going three times – Nahin, Nahin, Nahin..... But screw that yes I am a 31 year old Indian male mostly normal (or at least that is what I would like to believe) who hates cricket – it is the most lazy ass game ever if you ask me and yet every year I am made to experience this crappy tournament which I define as – Over glamorous, Over Hyped, Sub Standard, Club Cricket.

So this post (read as Rant) is about IPL and everything associated with it. If you like cricket walk away right now – beware you have been warned.

Board of Corruption of Cricket In India (BCCI) – We can’t even start talking about IPL without talking about BCCI, because IPL is the brain child of BCCI – a child so hideous which could have only been conceived if a lumberjack was to fuck an oompa loompa. Let me explain you what is BCCI, BCCI is just like Hugh Hefner – I am over aged, hideous looking, one pervert son of a bitch but since I am filthy rich so still everyone will suck my dick. That is exactly BCCI for you. BCCI has got the money making formula right down to the wire the formula is like – so long as we can put 11 idiots on the field of which 4-5 are recognizable idiots – this stupid country’s people will come and pay to watch the match. Doesn’t matter who is playing, what they are playing no one gives a fuck so let’s make money. People who run BCCI are typical cases of human beings who became part of the genepool when the lifeguard was not watching and people who watch every stupid crap they put out are people who if brains were to ever become taxable they would be eligible for rebates.

Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) – KKR the team which represents a city where no one works neither does the owner and it owned by our very own scum of the earth Sharukh Khan. Now this is a team which just like its owner has a perpetual identity crisis. SRK firmly believes he is the Al Pacino of Bollywood while in reality he is more a replica of Adam Sandler. I was so happy when in Season 5 after the Wankhede altercation he was banned from the stadium for 5 years – SRK is a guy who has his head so far us his ass that one may designate a new zip code to his colon. My respect for his wife Gauri khan rose to a whole new level when this guy was behaving like a retard after KKR won the fifth edition of IPL and he was doing cartwheels and monkey flips on the ground – I was like this is what she puts up with every single day with this man, kudos to her – really Indian women have a lot of tolerance...... On a separate note a friend of mine asked me last year – “Which is your most hated movie of 2011?”, my reply was “Ra-One”, then he asked me – “Tell me one thing you hated about the movie”, my response was “The fact that it was ever made!!!!”

Kings XI Punjab (KXIP) – Now let’s consider this – if Adam Gilchrist after almost two decades of being in top level cricket takes his very first wicket of the first and last ball of his career, bowling for the first time ever and attempts to dance “gangam style” in the second most hideous way ever (first one is Harbahjan) and this becomes the highlight of your campaign in this IPL season then you seriously need to reconsider your investment in the franchise itself. I don’t know from where people get this impression that Preity Zinta (PZ) is a Punjabi (is it because she is fat!!!) and how involved she is with the team and all their matches – imbecile fucking morons – let me clarify something for you – first of all PZ was born in Shimla and she is not a Punjabi she has nothing to do with being a Punjabi, go read it on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me. And as far as her acting like a Punjabi let me enlighten you she went to some half dumb moron and asked – “Tell me 5 things to do so that I can pass for a Punjabi on a cricket field”. The person suggested – (1) Act you are excited all the time even though there may not be any reason for it (2) For anything and everything give high fives to everyone who is sitting around you (3) Unnecessary wail your arms and legs all over the place throughout the match, people will think you are emotional (4) Before the match go to every single one of the 24 cameras used to broadcast the match and tell them where you are sitting – don’t even leave the stump cam (5) Run on the field like your ass in on fire everytime a match finishes and your team wins and start hugging anything that moves. Now my tips to PZ would have been the same 5 steps, the only difference would be the question – “Tell me 5 things to do so that I can pass for a Retard on a cricket field”!!!!!!

Mumbai Indians (MI) - So finally this year MI won the cup although I still do not see Rohit Sharma having an international career. Every year MI Team actually has a four way competition amongst themselves – Will Keiron Pollard’s Gold Chain get any thicker, Will Malinga’s colored hair get more hideous, Will Neeta Ambani get any more white (or die from an overdose of Botox) or Will Anant Ambani (Neeta Ambani’s Son) get any fatter. If I were to judge this I think Neeta Ambani has been winning every season hands down. I can never actually understand how many cartons of Botox does she actually gets imported and injected in herself every year and does Anant Ambani feeds on all those cartons. If Neeta Ambani was to get any more white she would start competing with Simi Garewal and that has no longer remained a compliment. This year as a part of the education campaign which MI supports – for one match at Wankhede their home ground they bought underprivileged kids to come see the match. Anil Kumble made a statement on television – “We have bought 11,000 kids and 15,000 food packets” what he did not say was 11,000 food packets were for 11,000 kids rest 4000 were for Anant Ambani. If that guy was to get any more fatter there will be a downward slope on Wankhede depending on which side he is sitting.

Sunrisers Hyderabad (SRH) – SRH now, previously Deccan Chargers, now the funny part is if you look at the dichotomy in the names, previously they had “chargers” now “to charge” is associated with a horizontal movement – order armies to charge, people come charging into a room, horses charge at a derby etc etc. Now from there to have the term “risers” in their name, rising is associated with a vertical movement – sun rises, rockets rise from the ground, Jesus rose from his grave and did not charge in the next sewer line etc etc. So one was to believe that shifting from horizontal movement to a vertical movement would tilt their luck but nopes. SRH is like the least glamorous team in the IPL seriously if Shikhar Dhawan’s ugly looking 18^th Century moustache and his continuous twirling of the same is your team’s fashion statement then seriously you need coaching classes from RCB. Shikhar Dhawan with his moustache looks to me nothing more than a Gabbar reject. And the best part is their captaincy it’s like every day morning before the toss the SRH team rolls 2 dices and then who ever picked a number from 1 to 12 becomes a captain for the day – Kumar Sangakkara, Cameron White, Darren Sammy etc etc and I am pretty sure baby face (read as retard face) Parthiv Patel always picks 1 as his number in the roll of 2 dice together and is still hopeful someday he will be Captain.

Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) – Honestly before Chris Gayle & Virat Kohli were bought by RCB the biggest player on the team was Siddharth Mallya, if you know what I mean. Although I live in Bangalore but my only reason to follow RCB for the first few seasons was just to see which chicks does Siddharth Mallya brings along with him, initially it was some girl from the Kingfisher Calendar Shoot, then it was Katrina Kaif, then for a couple of seasons it was Deepika Padukone and this season was very boring because there was no one. In the midst of all this I am completely fine to accept that not a single player in the line up is from Karnataka. Now I have nothing against Deepika and I completely adore her for her urban modern, don’t give a fuck about anything chick character which she plays in most of her movies although she does take it too far from reality as I still do not see girls on the road with bra tops and hot pants with a freakishly toned mid riff, although I won’t mind that particularly the toned mid riff part but she does look to be a bit too smart for Siddharth who often comes across someone so lost that needs a smack on the face to get him back to reality but I think his dad would be doing the needful for him!!!!

Delhi Daredevils (DD) – DD represents the Delhi City – a city which is famous for all the infamous incidents which have happened there, there is an interesting statistics DD has been at the bottom of the Fair Play award rankings for 5 out of the 6 seasons in IPL – is anyone surprised??? The only thing I am surprised is why is a humble and pious soul like Mahela Jayawerdena was named captain of the squad – he is the biggest misfit in the Delhi team at the end of the day it is a Delhi Team. Infact the owners were perhaps so worried as to what being in Delhi may do to the players, they have appointed Jeremy Snape in the support staff and he has been designated as “Mental Conditioning Coach”. Additionally I was going through the team list and some of the names just surprised me :

Ajit Agarkar- The guy will just not give up simply will not let go of this game. He only goes for runs at three stages of the game – opening overs, middle overs & death overs.

Irfan Pathan – It’s like everyone in this world is hell bent to make Irfan an all rounder, his face now almost looks like he has been molested with the term all rounder to the point where he can neither bowl nor bat

Ashish Nehra – Here is a bowler who runs to the crease at a speed which is faster than the speed at which he bowls!!!

Virender Sehwag – A role model for anyone who believes that you should firmly ground your feet wherever you stand and don’t move it no matter what, worst case your paunch will take the shock

Kevin Pietersen – Wives of all the DD players would be willing to go on a fast if that can make this guy complete a tournament without getting injured

Pune Warriors India (PWI) – I really wanted PWI to do well this year just to prove to everyone that Saurav Ganguly is jinxed and kicking him out last year has done wonders to the fortune of this team but this was another miserable year for them. Now Sahara India are the owners of PWI and the relationship between Sahara and BCCI seems similar to Justin Beiber & Selena Gomez, with Justin Beiber being BCCI since both of them have no talent, one day they split up and then next day they are making out in a night club, then next day they split up and then they go on a vacation on an island together. Now Sahara has again withdrawn their team from IPL because their bank guarantees were encashed by BCCI. The team has changed their jersey colors, they have changed their captain still nothing seems to be working for them. The team itself is full of worthless players, in fact PWI reminds me of One Direction – the English-Irish pop boy band whom I call 5 Justin Biebers with each one knowing to play one instrument and in aggregate without any talent. As Neil McCormick from The Daily Telegraph puts is : “clean cut, wholesome, whiter-than-white, middle class parent friendly pop: cute boys advocating puppy love. And what could be better than one cute boy, if not five” – surprisingly he does not mention their music or singing skills anywhere in the sentence well rest I will leave for all of you to figure.

Rajasthan Royals (RR) – I have a confession to make here, initially I was very excited for this team particularly after seeing Shilpa Shetty dance in the title song for the franchise "Halla Bol" in the traditional Rajasthani Ghagra with a freakishly toned mid riff (yeah by this time you should know I am obsessed with toned mid riffs) but then after couple of seasons she got married and my interest dwindled for obvious reasons. Then came Shane Warne & Liz Hurley saga that was very interesting. Rajasthan Royals are like Priyanka Chopra’s Photographs for some reason everyone is interested in photographing her bare back rather than her face.  The team’s image of giving opportunity to not so known players is so strong that the likes of Watson, Shaun Tait, Brad Hodge who are more than prominent figures in their international sides get sidelined from limelight being part of RR. This team is very loyal to Shilpa Shetty last year when she was having a baby right during IPL the entire team decided to fuck it and don’t even bother playing well and ended up having the worst season ever.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK) – CSK as a team in true sense represents Chennai, they have a core group of players and others from outside are not welcome – that is so typical of Chennai city which has the reputation of being one of the most hostile cities to people who come from other cities. The only thing which changes in CSK year on year is the length, quantity & color of Dhoni’s hairs. The whistle sound (read as Noise) which has become synonymous with CSK is as irritating as Vuvuzela which literally drove Soccer players to madness during the 2010 soccer world cup in South Africa. The only player which I would mention is Ravindra Jadeja – I firmly believe he should play for KKR, he would fit right in with Sharukh Khan – both are attention seeking, over hyped, too full of themselves, zero talent bastards.

IPL Fantasy League – Now this may sound slightly out of context but I really wanted to write my thoughts on IPL Fantasy League – like the time people waste in watching IPL is not good enough, Star & ESPN also ran a fantasy league contest parallely which lets people make their own teams and gather points based on the player’s actual performance during the IPL. Now I first of all want to give a big round of applause to the pervert who thought of this name because that motherfucker knew that anything which has the word “fantasy” in it is bound to grab attention of an Indian Male so perfect name to get guys interested. Now mid way through the IPL a stats were released that 88% of the players in the fantasy league are males and everyone was surprised at this lopsided figure as far as sex ratio is concerned, now why is everyone fucking surprised – first you have “fantasy” in the competition name, secondly it is cricket, then you have the likes of Karishma Kotak & Rochelle Rao (seeing her 2012 pictures from Miss Femina India International 2012 and seeing her now in IPL, I am convinced she’s got a boob job done. Not that I mind because I am of the school of thought that anything that makes you feel, look or smell good buy it or get it done) as on field presenters, who in their minds are surprised by stats of such one sided participation. What surprises me more is that the day these stats were announced next day Sony Set Max broadcaster bought in Isa Guha as a guest on the show, now I have nothing against her as I firmly believe she is one of the very few females (infact the only one I can think of) out there who talks absolute cricket sense since she herself has been a player for England but if you want to really increase female participation for fucking God sake get a John Abraham or Ranbir Kapoor or someone like that to do some host’s work in towels or ripped shirts or something, that will get females interested.

Now I am itching to write about the spot fixing controversy which has rocked IPL and which finally after 70 matches had passed got me interested in the event but I intend to write a separate post on it once I have read more on the entire situation.

So these are my thoughts on Indian Pakau League, the 7 weeks of every year where millions of man hours gets wasted in watching and cheering for a team without any realization that not even one person on that team would be or the origin of the city for which they are playing for. Mass Delusion at its very best.

STEREOTYPING – MNCs (MEAN NASTY COMPANIES) – OFFICE JARGONS

This is a post on which I have been working on for a long time. This is about the stereotypical office jargons we come across every day of our lives at workplace. I have also included some of the thoughts which have crossed my mind whenever I have come across these jargons.

A massive word of caution here these reactions most of the times have been contained in my head only as a result of which I still have my job (I have bills to pay, obvioulsy)…... I would seriously recommend the readers to do the same

At the same time I am no exception, I myself use a lot of them in my day to day work. Infact after a lot of introspection I have realized that the lesser I know about the subject I am talking about, the more frequent are the use of these jargons by me.

1)      “I can really see the value added with that” – No you can’t see shit, it’s just the way I explained stuff to you that you got convinced that you see value addition

2)       “It’s a win-win situation.” – Dumb fucks, there is never a win win situation, the only actual true meaning is that someone wins and the other one did not realize what they lost

3)      “Take one for the team.” – If it is a bonus or a pay hike I will take it, if it is criticism then get the fuck out of here

4)      “Let’s push back on this one.” – Oh Yeah if I could I would push every piece of work so far back that it would not be able to catch up with me till I retire

5)      “Let’s find a window of opportunity.” – If that window is anywhere higher than 3^rd floor, I would fucking shove you right through it

6)      “Let’s touch base on that” – So if you are trying to get a girl, does this mean reaching the first  base, second base or going the entire stretch (Credits: An office colleague of mine who wants to remain anonymous - he honestly believes a lot of people read my blog)

7)      “Going forward.” – Once this sentence finishes, we turn back and walk to our desks

8)      “Taking candy from a baby.” – Try this one if you have the balls to, can you imagine the embarrassment once the baby starts crying its lungs out, I would use the phrase “Taking candy from a baby after strangling it”

9)      “It is what it is.” – Yeah moron if you have not have said that I would have never realized it, what do you think I am on crack in the middle of the day and suffering from hallucinations

10)  “In the current climate.” – Technically there is nothing which is current climate, climate is a long term phenomenon, what is current is only weather, were you smoking weed during your geography class?

11)  “It’s a no brainer.” – No wonder your brain cannot interpret it

12)  “110%.” – Why 110% lets accommodate some discount and settle for 104.398465636532652%

13)  “It’s on my radar.” – So what’s between your legs is the antenna and anyway your head looks like an out of shape satellite dish

14)  “Flagging it up.” – No thanks, I will wait till the Independence Day or Republic Day

15)  “Let’s just blue sky it.” – (1) No wonder such few good ideas ever come out of Britain, those fuckers never see the blue sky.  (2) Why don’t I beat you up so bad that your entire body looks like blue?

16)  “I’m a customer what would I do.” – You would whine, cry, shout, complain, create problems due to which I will keep my job & get paid.... pls keep doing whatever the fuck you do

17)  “Let’s put it on the back-burner.” – How about I put your interfering ass on the sizzling hot barbecue grill

18)  “Let’s find a window in your diary.” – Lets burn your diary in the middle to make a hole then make you hold it up against your face so that I can put my hands through the window and poke your eyeballs out

19)  “From the get go.” – (1) Have you ever heard of the phrase “slow and steady wins the race”!!!! (2) For a change can we just let go……

20)  “Just giving you the heads up.” – I give you a middle finger up straight

21)  “Pick the low hanging fruit.” – I so hope it turns out to be rotten and infected

22)  “What’s our USP.” – U Suck, Period!!!!!

23)  “Let’s circle back.” – Were you serving a prison sentence when the geometry class was going on?

24)  “We need to hit the ground running.” – Do you think my head is a battering ram… you son of a bitch

25)  “Hit me with it.” – Boy my imagination runs wild just thinking about what all can that lead to… rest I will leave if for you all to imagine

26)  “Let’s circle the wagons.” – I will do that if there are a bunch of girls inside

27)  “Let’s talk about this offline.” – Do you see a network chord coming out of my ass and a light blinking on the top of my nose like Rudolph the reindeer which makes you think I am online?

28)  “Hold that thought.” – Now can I say that I have my hands full with holding on to thoughts and I can’t take any more work?

29)  “Drilling down.” – Where am I, after all the qualifications which I acquired, I really end up with people who speak language of a construction site

30)  “Get all our ducks in a row.” – Yeah then the minimum number of bullets will do the maximum work for me. Shoot them.

31)  “Let’s run it up the flagpole.” – And let’s run the flagpole up your ass

32)  “Shoot me an email.” – Where can I get custom bullets made, can anyone help?

33)  “Guesstimate.” – Sounds as sensible as the term “fucked up virgin”.

34)  “We need more carrots on sticks.” – We need a more competent recruitment team

35)  “It’s a game changer.” – No most likely it’s just a cheat code

36)  “Moving the goal posts.” – Lets them right next to one another facing each other and make a goal box

37)  “On the same page.” – Yeah only the books are different

38)  “Brain Storming.” – Do we really need to associate a part of human anatomy with a natural calamity to coin a phrase for an exercise used to generate ideas? So how would you coin a phrase which can be used to implement those ideas – “Pancreas Typhoon”

39)  “In essence.” – So you yourself are admitting that whatever crap you said in the last 1 hour could have been summarized in a few minutes!!!!

40)  “What’s my ROI.” – You are a “ridiculously overpaid idiot”

41)  “Let’s deliver on our deliverables.” – Is there anything else can be done with deliverables other than delivering them; can we put them in the incubator?

42)  “Tell me the bottom line.” – (1) Are you illiterate, can’t you fucking read it? (2) Do you suffer from some kind of special visual impairment condition that you can only read the top line?

43)  “Ideas on the table.” – Yeah right, Ideas on the table, marijuana under the table, revolver in the drawer, body bag in the cabinet – done, I am ready for the meeting.

44)  “Let’s put our thinking caps on.” – Why bother ideas will not fucking rain through the roof!!!!

45)  “Let’s Raise the bar” – So instead of having drinks on the floor should we start dancing on the tables? Why don’t you take a bar and shove it where the sun does not shine?

46)  “We have an Open Door Policy” – (1) Why in the hell do you have doors if you never intend to close them in the first place? See I already gave you a cost cutting idea. (2) Yeah the moment we don’t need you we shove you right out through the open door.

47)  “Let’s not put all our eggs in one basket” – For so long I was under the impression that we are mammals and don’t lay eggs

48)  “Think out of the box” – (1) You don’t pay me enough out of your vault for me to think out of the box. (2) If I think out of the box then you will be out of business!!!!

49)  “Be Proactive” – Absolutely, I started thinking about how I would screw my boss even before I got the appointment letter

This was the list which I could compile and thought it’s long enough for it to be published now. Perhaps now you would see the funnier side of the office jargons which you hear every single day at workplace.

Let me know if there are any further which you come across frequently and I would add the same and expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

THIS IS THE LAST DANCE

It’s Friday night, and it’s time to dance, in a club on Sesame Street
You & me, our eyes meet, I don’t know about you but I feel the heat
Without you floor feels incomplete, this is not the time to be discreet
Me & you, we won’t miss a beat. This is how we were meant to meet 

How can you be so beautiful? A look at you and I lose my stance
Your moves get me in a hypnotic trance…… This is the last dance

Trying not to be wise, ask you for a dance, under the starry skies
Take your soft hand, lead you to the floor, and look into those eyes
My arms around your waist and music on the floor hits a new high
Waited for someone like you my whole life, why should I lie? 
Can’t find someone like you be it Shanghai, Germany or France
I don’t wanna play a game of chance……. This is the last dance

We paint the floor without ink, would you like me to get you a drink
With you & me the heat won’t sink, our moves are in a perfect sync
You look at me and your eyes blink, you were my life’s missing link
Hey girl, you push me to the brink, a life without you I cannot think 
I don’t feel like this every day, this is not a patterned advance
You took my heart away at first glance…. This is the last dance

Being with you is so much fun, your face shines like the glowing sun
Ready to be a hired gun, you will be mine everything said & done
All the evil in the world we will outrun, face our troubles one by one
You are definitely the best, my loved one. Better then you there is none 
My love for you is gonna be unending just like nature’s expanse
Neither Moulin rouge nor gothic romance….. This is the last dance