This is a post on which I have been working on for a long time. This is about the stereotypical office jargons we come across every day of our lives at workplace. I have also included some of the thoughts which have crossed my mind whenever I have come across these jargons.
A massive word of caution here these reactions most of the
times have been contained in my head only as a result of which I still have my
job (I have bills to pay, obvioulsy)…... I would seriously recommend the readers to do the same
At the same time I am no exception, I myself use a lot of
them in my day to day work. Infact after a lot of introspection I have realized
that the lesser I know about the subject I am talking about, the more frequent
are the use of these jargons by me.
1) “I can really see the value added with that” – No you can’t see
shit, it’s just the way I explained stuff to you that you got convinced that
you see value addition
2) “It’s a win-win situation.” –
Dumb fucks, there is never a win win situation, the only actual true
meaning is that someone wins and the other one did not realize what they lost
3) “Take one for the team.” – If it is a bonus or a pay hike I will
take it, if it is criticism then get the fuck out of here
4) “Let’s push back on this one.” – Oh Yeah if I could I would push
every piece of work so far back that it would not be able to catch up with me
till I retire
5) “Let’s find a window of opportunity.” – If that window is
anywhere higher than 3rd floor, I would fucking shove you right through
it
6) “Let’s touch base on that” – So if you are trying to get a girl,
does this mean reaching the first base,
second base or going the entire stretch (Credits: An office colleague of mine who wants to remain anonymous - he honestly believes a lot of people read my blog)
7) “Going forward.” – Once this sentence finishes, we turn back and
walk to our desks
8) “Taking candy from a baby.” – Try this one if you have the balls
to, can you imagine the embarrassment once the baby starts crying its lungs
out, I would use the phrase “Taking candy from a baby after strangling it”
9) “It is what it is.” – Yeah moron if you have not have said that
I would have never realized it, what do you think I am on crack in the middle
of the day and suffering from hallucinations
10) “In the current climate.” – Technically there is nothing which
is current climate, climate is a long term phenomenon, what is current is only
weather, were you smoking weed during your geography class?
11) “It’s a no brainer.” – No wonder your brain cannot interpret it
12) “110%.” – Why 110% lets accommodate some discount and settle for
104.398465636532652%
13) “It’s on my radar.” – So what’s between your legs is the antenna
and anyway your head looks like an out of shape satellite dish
14) “Flagging it up.” – No thanks, I will wait till the Independence
Day or Republic Day
15) “Let’s just blue sky it.” – (1) No wonder such few good ideas
ever come out of Britain,
those fuckers never see the blue sky.
(2) Why don’t I beat you up so bad that your entire body looks like blue?
16) “I’m a customer what would I do.” – You would whine, cry, shout,
complain, create problems due to which I will keep my job & get paid....
pls keep doing whatever the fuck you do
17) “Let’s put it on the back-burner.” – How about I put your
interfering ass on the sizzling hot barbecue grill
18) “Let’s find a window in your diary.” – Lets burn your diary in
the middle to make a hole then make you hold it up against your face so that I
can put my hands through the window and poke your eyeballs out
19) “From the get go.” – (1) Have you ever heard of the phrase “slow
and steady wins the race”!!!! (2) For a change can we just let go……
20) “Just giving you the heads up.” – I give you a middle finger up
straight
21) “Pick the low hanging fruit.” – I so hope it turns out to be
rotten and infected
22) “What’s our USP.” – U Suck, Period!!!!!
23) “Let’s circle back.” – Were you serving a prison sentence when
the geometry class was going on?
24) “We need to hit the ground running.” – Do you think my head is a
battering ram… you son of a bitch
25) “Hit me with it.” – Boy my imagination runs wild just thinking
about what all can that lead to… rest I will leave if for you all to imagine
26) “Let’s circle the wagons.” – I will do that if there are a bunch
of girls inside
27) “Let’s talk about this offline.” – Do you see a network chord
coming out of my ass and a light blinking on the top of my nose like Rudolph
the reindeer which makes you think I am online?
28) “Hold that thought.” – Now can I say that I have my hands full
with holding on to thoughts and I can’t take any more work?
29) “Drilling down.” – Where am I, after all the qualifications
which I acquired, I really end up with people who speak language of a
construction site
30) “Get all our ducks in a row.” – Yeah then the minimum number of
bullets will do the maximum work for me. Shoot them.
31) “Let’s run it up the flagpole.” – And let’s run the flagpole up
your ass
32) “Shoot me an email.” – Where can I get custom bullets made, can
anyone help?
33) “Guesstimate.” – Sounds as sensible as the term “fucked up
virgin”.
34) “We need more carrots on sticks.” – We need a more competent
recruitment team
35) “It’s a game changer.” – No most likely it’s just a cheat code
36) “Moving the goal posts.” – Lets them right next to one another
facing each other and make a goal box
37) “On the same page.” – Yeah only the books are different
38) “Brain Storming.” – Do we really need to associate a part of
human anatomy with a natural calamity to coin a phrase for an exercise used to
generate ideas? So how would you coin a phrase which can be used to implement
those ideas – “Pancreas Typhoon”
39) “In essence.” – So you yourself are admitting that whatever crap
you said in the last 1 hour could have been summarized in a few minutes!!!!
40) “What’s my ROI.” – You are a “ridiculously overpaid idiot”
41) “Let’s deliver on our deliverables.” – Is there anything
else can be done with deliverables other than delivering them; can we put them
in the incubator?
42) “Tell me the bottom line.” – (1) Are you illiterate, can’t you
fucking read it? (2) Do you suffer from some kind of special visual impairment
condition that you can only read the top line?
43) “Ideas on the table.” – Yeah right, Ideas on the table,
marijuana under the table, revolver in the drawer, body bag in the cabinet –
done, I am ready for the meeting.
44) “Let’s put our thinking caps on.” – Why bother ideas will not fucking
rain through the roof!!!!
45) “Let’s Raise the bar” – So instead of having drinks on the floor
should we start dancing on the tables? Why don’t you take a bar and shove it
where the sun does not shine?
46) “We have an Open Door Policy” – (1) Why in the hell do you have
doors if you never intend to close them in the first place? See I already gave
you a cost cutting idea. (2) Yeah the moment we don’t need you we shove you
right out through the open door.
47) “Let’s not put all our eggs in one basket” – For so long I was
under the impression that we are mammals and don’t lay eggs
48) “Think out of the box” – (1) You don’t pay me enough out of your
vault for me to think out of the box. (2) If I think out of the box then you
will be out of business!!!!
49) “Be Proactive” – Absolutely, I started thinking about how I
would screw my boss even before I got the appointment letter
This was the list which I could compile and thought it’s
long enough for it to be published now. Perhaps now you would see the funnier
side of the office jargons which you hear every single day at workplace.
Let me know if there are any further which you come across
frequently and I would add the same and expand this post to include more.
In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!
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