Crappy, Crooked, Creepy, Corrupt Cricket – Indian Pakau League (IPL)

So finally India Premier League (IPL) Season 6 has ended, they say it is 76 matches spread over 7 weeks. I say anything which happens at an average almost 11 times in a week cannot be said it is spread over, I would say 76 matches piled up and shoved down everyone’s throat over 7 weeks. Now I am not a fan of cricket - yeah I know half of you are like camera panning out at high speed and with a hair flick while turning towards the camera and like in a typical C grade reality show on Indian Television going three times – Nahin, Nahin, Nahin..... But screw that yes I am a 31 year old Indian male mostly normal (or at least that is what I would like to believe) who hates cricket – it is the most lazy ass game ever if you ask me and yet every year I am made to experience this crappy tournament which I define as – Over glamorous, Over Hyped, Sub Standard, Club Cricket.

So this post (read as Rant) is about IPL and everything associated with it. If you like cricket walk away right now – beware you have been warned.

Board of Corruption of Cricket In India (BCCI) – We can’t even start talking about IPL without talking about BCCI, because IPL is the brain child of BCCI – a child so hideous which could have only been conceived if a lumberjack was to fuck an oompa loompa. Let me explain you what is BCCI, BCCI is just like Hugh Hefner – I am over aged, hideous looking, one pervert son of a bitch but since I am filthy rich so still everyone will suck my dick. That is exactly BCCI for you. BCCI has got the money making formula right down to the wire the formula is like – so long as we can put 11 idiots on the field of which 4-5 are recognizable idiots – this stupid country’s people will come and pay to watch the match. Doesn’t matter who is playing, what they are playing no one gives a fuck so let’s make money. People who run BCCI are typical cases of human beings who became part of the genepool when the lifeguard was not watching and people who watch every stupid crap they put out are people who if brains were to ever become taxable they would be eligible for rebates.

Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) – KKR the team which represents a city where no one works neither does the owner and it owned by our very own scum of the earth Sharukh Khan. Now this is a team which just like its owner has a perpetual identity crisis. SRK firmly believes he is the Al Pacino of Bollywood while in reality he is more a replica of Adam Sandler. I was so happy when in Season 5 after the Wankhede altercation he was banned from the stadium for 5 years – SRK is a guy who has his head so far us his ass that one may designate a new zip code to his colon. My respect for his wife Gauri khan rose to a whole new level when this guy was behaving like a retard after KKR won the fifth edition of IPL and he was doing cartwheels and monkey flips on the ground – I was like this is what she puts up with every single day with this man, kudos to her – really Indian women have a lot of tolerance...... On a separate note a friend of mine asked me last year – “Which is your most hated movie of 2011?”, my reply was “Ra-One”, then he asked me – “Tell me one thing you hated about the movie”, my response was “The fact that it was ever made!!!!”

Kings XI Punjab (KXIP) – Now let’s consider this – if Adam Gilchrist after almost two decades of being in top level cricket takes his very first wicket of the first and last ball of his career, bowling for the first time ever and attempts to dance “gangam style” in the second most hideous way ever (first one is Harbahjan) and this becomes the highlight of your campaign in this IPL season then you seriously need to reconsider your investment in the franchise itself. I don’t know from where people get this impression that Preity Zinta (PZ) is a Punjabi (is it because she is fat!!!) and how involved she is with the team and all their matches – imbecile fucking morons – let me clarify something for you – first of all PZ was born in Shimla and she is not a Punjabi she has nothing to do with being a Punjabi, go read it on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me. And as far as her acting like a Punjabi let me enlighten you she went to some half dumb moron and asked – “Tell me 5 things to do so that I can pass for a Punjabi on a cricket field”. The person suggested – (1) Act you are excited all the time even though there may not be any reason for it (2) For anything and everything give high fives to everyone who is sitting around you (3) Unnecessary wail your arms and legs all over the place throughout the match, people will think you are emotional (4) Before the match go to every single one of the 24 cameras used to broadcast the match and tell them where you are sitting – don’t even leave the stump cam (5) Run on the field like your ass in on fire everytime a match finishes and your team wins and start hugging anything that moves. Now my tips to PZ would have been the same 5 steps, the only difference would be the question – “Tell me 5 things to do so that I can pass for a Retard on a cricket field”!!!!!!

Mumbai Indians (MI) - So finally this year MI won the cup although I still do not see Rohit Sharma having an international career. Every year MI Team actually has a four way competition amongst themselves – Will Keiron Pollard’s Gold Chain get any thicker, Will Malinga’s colored hair get more hideous, Will Neeta Ambani get any more white (or die from an overdose of Botox) or Will Anant Ambani (Neeta Ambani’s Son) get any fatter. If I were to judge this I think Neeta Ambani has been winning every season hands down. I can never actually understand how many cartons of Botox does she actually gets imported and injected in herself every year and does Anant Ambani feeds on all those cartons. If Neeta Ambani was to get any more white she would start competing with Simi Garewal and that has no longer remained a compliment. This year as a part of the education campaign which MI supports – for one match at Wankhede their home ground they bought underprivileged kids to come see the match. Anil Kumble made a statement on television – “We have bought 11,000 kids and 15,000 food packets” what he did not say was 11,000 food packets were for 11,000 kids rest 4000 were for Anant Ambani. If that guy was to get any more fatter there will be a downward slope on Wankhede depending on which side he is sitting.

Sunrisers Hyderabad (SRH) – SRH now, previously Deccan Chargers, now the funny part is if you look at the dichotomy in the names, previously they had “chargers” now “to charge” is associated with a horizontal movement – order armies to charge, people come charging into a room, horses charge at a derby etc etc. Now from there to have the term “risers” in their name, rising is associated with a vertical movement – sun rises, rockets rise from the ground, Jesus rose from his grave and did not charge in the next sewer line etc etc. So one was to believe that shifting from horizontal movement to a vertical movement would tilt their luck but nopes. SRH is like the least glamorous team in the IPL seriously if Shikhar Dhawan’s ugly looking 18^th Century moustache and his continuous twirling of the same is your team’s fashion statement then seriously you need coaching classes from RCB. Shikhar Dhawan with his moustache looks to me nothing more than a Gabbar reject. And the best part is their captaincy it’s like every day morning before the toss the SRH team rolls 2 dices and then who ever picked a number from 1 to 12 becomes a captain for the day – Kumar Sangakkara, Cameron White, Darren Sammy etc etc and I am pretty sure baby face (read as retard face) Parthiv Patel always picks 1 as his number in the roll of 2 dice together and is still hopeful someday he will be Captain.

Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) – Honestly before Chris Gayle & Virat Kohli were bought by RCB the biggest player on the team was Siddharth Mallya, if you know what I mean. Although I live in Bangalore but my only reason to follow RCB for the first few seasons was just to see which chicks does Siddharth Mallya brings along with him, initially it was some girl from the Kingfisher Calendar Shoot, then it was Katrina Kaif, then for a couple of seasons it was Deepika Padukone and this season was very boring because there was no one. In the midst of all this I am completely fine to accept that not a single player in the line up is from Karnataka. Now I have nothing against Deepika and I completely adore her for her urban modern, don’t give a fuck about anything chick character which she plays in most of her movies although she does take it too far from reality as I still do not see girls on the road with bra tops and hot pants with a freakishly toned mid riff, although I won’t mind that particularly the toned mid riff part but she does look to be a bit too smart for Siddharth who often comes across someone so lost that needs a smack on the face to get him back to reality but I think his dad would be doing the needful for him!!!!

Delhi Daredevils (DD) – DD represents the Delhi City – a city which is famous for all the infamous incidents which have happened there, there is an interesting statistics DD has been at the bottom of the Fair Play award rankings for 5 out of the 6 seasons in IPL – is anyone surprised??? The only thing I am surprised is why is a humble and pious soul like Mahela Jayawerdena was named captain of the squad – he is the biggest misfit in the Delhi team at the end of the day it is a Delhi Team. Infact the owners were perhaps so worried as to what being in Delhi may do to the players, they have appointed Jeremy Snape in the support staff and he has been designated as “Mental Conditioning Coach”. Additionally I was going through the team list and some of the names just surprised me :

Ajit Agarkar- The guy will just not give up simply will not let go of this game. He only goes for runs at three stages of the game – opening overs, middle overs & death overs.

Irfan Pathan – It’s like everyone in this world is hell bent to make Irfan an all rounder, his face now almost looks like he has been molested with the term all rounder to the point where he can neither bowl nor bat

Ashish Nehra – Here is a bowler who runs to the crease at a speed which is faster than the speed at which he bowls!!!

Virender Sehwag – A role model for anyone who believes that you should firmly ground your feet wherever you stand and don’t move it no matter what, worst case your paunch will take the shock

Kevin Pietersen – Wives of all the DD players would be willing to go on a fast if that can make this guy complete a tournament without getting injured

Pune Warriors India (PWI) – I really wanted PWI to do well this year just to prove to everyone that Saurav Ganguly is jinxed and kicking him out last year has done wonders to the fortune of this team but this was another miserable year for them. Now Sahara India are the owners of PWI and the relationship between Sahara and BCCI seems similar to Justin Beiber & Selena Gomez, with Justin Beiber being BCCI since both of them have no talent, one day they split up and then next day they are making out in a night club, then next day they split up and then they go on a vacation on an island together. Now Sahara has again withdrawn their team from IPL because their bank guarantees were encashed by BCCI. The team has changed their jersey colors, they have changed their captain still nothing seems to be working for them. The team itself is full of worthless players, in fact PWI reminds me of One Direction – the English-Irish pop boy band whom I call 5 Justin Biebers with each one knowing to play one instrument and in aggregate without any talent. As Neil McCormick from The Daily Telegraph puts is : “clean cut, wholesome, whiter-than-white, middle class parent friendly pop: cute boys advocating puppy love. And what could be better than one cute boy, if not five” – surprisingly he does not mention their music or singing skills anywhere in the sentence well rest I will leave for all of you to figure.

Rajasthan Royals (RR) – I have a confession to make here, initially I was very excited for this team particularly after seeing Shilpa Shetty dance in the title song for the franchise "Halla Bol" in the traditional Rajasthani Ghagra with a freakishly toned mid riff (yeah by this time you should know I am obsessed with toned mid riffs) but then after couple of seasons she got married and my interest dwindled for obvious reasons. Then came Shane Warne & Liz Hurley saga that was very interesting. Rajasthan Royals are like Priyanka Chopra’s Photographs for some reason everyone is interested in photographing her bare back rather than her face.  The team’s image of giving opportunity to not so known players is so strong that the likes of Watson, Shaun Tait, Brad Hodge who are more than prominent figures in their international sides get sidelined from limelight being part of RR. This team is very loyal to Shilpa Shetty last year when she was having a baby right during IPL the entire team decided to fuck it and don’t even bother playing well and ended up having the worst season ever.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK) – CSK as a team in true sense represents Chennai, they have a core group of players and others from outside are not welcome – that is so typical of Chennai city which has the reputation of being one of the most hostile cities to people who come from other cities. The only thing which changes in CSK year on year is the length, quantity & color of Dhoni’s hairs. The whistle sound (read as Noise) which has become synonymous with CSK is as irritating as Vuvuzela which literally drove Soccer players to madness during the 2010 soccer world cup in South Africa. The only player which I would mention is Ravindra Jadeja – I firmly believe he should play for KKR, he would fit right in with Sharukh Khan – both are attention seeking, over hyped, too full of themselves, zero talent bastards.

IPL Fantasy League – Now this may sound slightly out of context but I really wanted to write my thoughts on IPL Fantasy League – like the time people waste in watching IPL is not good enough, Star & ESPN also ran a fantasy league contest parallely which lets people make their own teams and gather points based on the player’s actual performance during the IPL. Now I first of all want to give a big round of applause to the pervert who thought of this name because that motherfucker knew that anything which has the word “fantasy” in it is bound to grab attention of an Indian Male so perfect name to get guys interested. Now mid way through the IPL a stats were released that 88% of the players in the fantasy league are males and everyone was surprised at this lopsided figure as far as sex ratio is concerned, now why is everyone fucking surprised – first you have “fantasy” in the competition name, secondly it is cricket, then you have the likes of Karishma Kotak & Rochelle Rao (seeing her 2012 pictures from Miss Femina India International 2012 and seeing her now in IPL, I am convinced she’s got a boob job done. Not that I mind because I am of the school of thought that anything that makes you feel, look or smell good buy it or get it done) as on field presenters, who in their minds are surprised by stats of such one sided participation. What surprises me more is that the day these stats were announced next day Sony Set Max broadcaster bought in Isa Guha as a guest on the show, now I have nothing against her as I firmly believe she is one of the very few females (infact the only one I can think of) out there who talks absolute cricket sense since she herself has been a player for England but if you want to really increase female participation for fucking God sake get a John Abraham or Ranbir Kapoor or someone like that to do some host’s work in towels or ripped shirts or something, that will get females interested.

Now I am itching to write about the spot fixing controversy which has rocked IPL and which finally after 70 matches had passed got me interested in the event but I intend to write a separate post on it once I have read more on the entire situation.

So these are my thoughts on Indian Pakau League, the 7 weeks of every year where millions of man hours gets wasted in watching and cheering for a team without any realization that not even one person on that team would be or the origin of the city for which they are playing for. Mass Delusion at its very best.

STEREOTYPING – MNCs (MEAN NASTY COMPANIES) – OFFICE JARGONS

This is a post on which I have been working on for a long time. This is about the stereotypical office jargons we come across every day of our lives at workplace. I have also included some of the thoughts which have crossed my mind whenever I have come across these jargons.

A massive word of caution here these reactions most of the times have been contained in my head only as a result of which I still have my job (I have bills to pay, obvioulsy)…... I would seriously recommend the readers to do the same

At the same time I am no exception, I myself use a lot of them in my day to day work. Infact after a lot of introspection I have realized that the lesser I know about the subject I am talking about, the more frequent are the use of these jargons by me.

1)      “I can really see the value added with that” – No you can’t see shit, it’s just the way I explained stuff to you that you got convinced that you see value addition

2)       “It’s a win-win situation.” – Dumb fucks, there is never a win win situation, the only actual true meaning is that someone wins and the other one did not realize what they lost

3)      “Take one for the team.” – If it is a bonus or a pay hike I will take it, if it is criticism then get the fuck out of here

4)      “Let’s push back on this one.” – Oh Yeah if I could I would push every piece of work so far back that it would not be able to catch up with me till I retire

5)      “Let’s find a window of opportunity.” – If that window is anywhere higher than 3^rd floor, I would fucking shove you right through it

6)      “Let’s touch base on that” – So if you are trying to get a girl, does this mean reaching the first  base, second base or going the entire stretch (Credits: An office colleague of mine who wants to remain anonymous - he honestly believes a lot of people read my blog)

7)      “Going forward.” – Once this sentence finishes, we turn back and walk to our desks

8)      “Taking candy from a baby.” – Try this one if you have the balls to, can you imagine the embarrassment once the baby starts crying its lungs out, I would use the phrase “Taking candy from a baby after strangling it”

9)      “It is what it is.” – Yeah moron if you have not have said that I would have never realized it, what do you think I am on crack in the middle of the day and suffering from hallucinations

10)  “In the current climate.” – Technically there is nothing which is current climate, climate is a long term phenomenon, what is current is only weather, were you smoking weed during your geography class?

11)  “It’s a no brainer.” – No wonder your brain cannot interpret it

12)  “110%.” – Why 110% lets accommodate some discount and settle for 104.398465636532652%

13)  “It’s on my radar.” – So what’s between your legs is the antenna and anyway your head looks like an out of shape satellite dish

14)  “Flagging it up.” – No thanks, I will wait till the Independence Day or Republic Day

15)  “Let’s just blue sky it.” – (1) No wonder such few good ideas ever come out of Britain, those fuckers never see the blue sky.  (2) Why don’t I beat you up so bad that your entire body looks like blue?

16)  “I’m a customer what would I do.” – You would whine, cry, shout, complain, create problems due to which I will keep my job & get paid.... pls keep doing whatever the fuck you do

17)  “Let’s put it on the back-burner.” – How about I put your interfering ass on the sizzling hot barbecue grill

18)  “Let’s find a window in your diary.” – Lets burn your diary in the middle to make a hole then make you hold it up against your face so that I can put my hands through the window and poke your eyeballs out

19)  “From the get go.” – (1) Have you ever heard of the phrase “slow and steady wins the race”!!!! (2) For a change can we just let go……

20)  “Just giving you the heads up.” – I give you a middle finger up straight

21)  “Pick the low hanging fruit.” – I so hope it turns out to be rotten and infected

22)  “What’s our USP.” – U Suck, Period!!!!!

23)  “Let’s circle back.” – Were you serving a prison sentence when the geometry class was going on?

24)  “We need to hit the ground running.” – Do you think my head is a battering ram… you son of a bitch

25)  “Hit me with it.” – Boy my imagination runs wild just thinking about what all can that lead to… rest I will leave if for you all to imagine

26)  “Let’s circle the wagons.” – I will do that if there are a bunch of girls inside

27)  “Let’s talk about this offline.” – Do you see a network chord coming out of my ass and a light blinking on the top of my nose like Rudolph the reindeer which makes you think I am online?

28)  “Hold that thought.” – Now can I say that I have my hands full with holding on to thoughts and I can’t take any more work?

29)  “Drilling down.” – Where am I, after all the qualifications which I acquired, I really end up with people who speak language of a construction site

30)  “Get all our ducks in a row.” – Yeah then the minimum number of bullets will do the maximum work for me. Shoot them.

31)  “Let’s run it up the flagpole.” – And let’s run the flagpole up your ass

32)  “Shoot me an email.” – Where can I get custom bullets made, can anyone help?

33)  “Guesstimate.” – Sounds as sensible as the term “fucked up virgin”.

34)  “We need more carrots on sticks.” – We need a more competent recruitment team

35)  “It’s a game changer.” – No most likely it’s just a cheat code

36)  “Moving the goal posts.” – Lets them right next to one another facing each other and make a goal box

37)  “On the same page.” – Yeah only the books are different

38)  “Brain Storming.” – Do we really need to associate a part of human anatomy with a natural calamity to coin a phrase for an exercise used to generate ideas? So how would you coin a phrase which can be used to implement those ideas – “Pancreas Typhoon”

39)  “In essence.” – So you yourself are admitting that whatever crap you said in the last 1 hour could have been summarized in a few minutes!!!!

40)  “What’s my ROI.” – You are a “ridiculously overpaid idiot”

41)  “Let’s deliver on our deliverables.” – Is there anything else can be done with deliverables other than delivering them; can we put them in the incubator?

42)  “Tell me the bottom line.” – (1) Are you illiterate, can’t you fucking read it? (2) Do you suffer from some kind of special visual impairment condition that you can only read the top line?

43)  “Ideas on the table.” – Yeah right, Ideas on the table, marijuana under the table, revolver in the drawer, body bag in the cabinet – done, I am ready for the meeting.

44)  “Let’s put our thinking caps on.” – Why bother ideas will not fucking rain through the roof!!!!

45)  “Let’s Raise the bar” – So instead of having drinks on the floor should we start dancing on the tables? Why don’t you take a bar and shove it where the sun does not shine?

46)  “We have an Open Door Policy” – (1) Why in the hell do you have doors if you never intend to close them in the first place? See I already gave you a cost cutting idea. (2) Yeah the moment we don’t need you we shove you right out through the open door.

47)  “Let’s not put all our eggs in one basket” – For so long I was under the impression that we are mammals and don’t lay eggs

48)  “Think out of the box” – (1) You don’t pay me enough out of your vault for me to think out of the box. (2) If I think out of the box then you will be out of business!!!!

49)  “Be Proactive” – Absolutely, I started thinking about how I would screw my boss even before I got the appointment letter

This was the list which I could compile and thought it’s long enough for it to be published now. Perhaps now you would see the funnier side of the office jargons which you hear every single day at workplace.

Let me know if there are any further which you come across frequently and I would add the same and expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

THIS IS THE LAST DANCE

It’s Friday night, and it’s time to dance, in a club on Sesame Street
You & me, our eyes meet, I don’t know about you but I feel the heat
Without you floor feels incomplete, this is not the time to be discreet
Me & you, we won’t miss a beat. This is how we were meant to meet 

How can you be so beautiful? A look at you and I lose my stance
Your moves get me in a hypnotic trance…… This is the last dance

Trying not to be wise, ask you for a dance, under the starry skies
Take your soft hand, lead you to the floor, and look into those eyes
My arms around your waist and music on the floor hits a new high
Waited for someone like you my whole life, why should I lie? 
Can’t find someone like you be it Shanghai, Germany or France
I don’t wanna play a game of chance……. This is the last dance

We paint the floor without ink, would you like me to get you a drink
With you & me the heat won’t sink, our moves are in a perfect sync
You look at me and your eyes blink, you were my life’s missing link
Hey girl, you push me to the brink, a life without you I cannot think 
I don’t feel like this every day, this is not a patterned advance
You took my heart away at first glance…. This is the last dance

Being with you is so much fun, your face shines like the glowing sun
Ready to be a hired gun, you will be mine everything said & done
All the evil in the world we will outrun, face our troubles one by one
You are definitely the best, my loved one. Better then you there is none 
My love for you is gonna be unending just like nature’s expanse
Neither Moulin rouge nor gothic romance….. This is the last dance

STEREOTYPING – LET THE SHOPPING CARTS ROLL – SUPERMARKETS

With urban India progressing rapidly everyone is struggling to find time for themselves, family & friends. Working couples, young kids, hectic schedules, long working hours – all lead to a continuous struggle to save time in every activity possible. Arrive, SUPERMARKETS to the rescue. Under one roof, spread across a few floors one can get everything – fruits, vegetables, other provisions, groceries, toiletries, cosmetics, pretty much everything which we use in our day to day lives. An hour or two over the weekend and you are done for the week at least… dump the stuff in the boot of the car and drive home – one major problem resolved.

Due to the reasons above urban India at least has whole heartedly embraced these supermarkets with open arms and they have become an integral part of all of our lives. Yeah!!! perhaps the freshness of the vegetables & fruits has been compromised a bit when we compare to buying them every day from street side vendors as our parents use to. But in today’s busy lives whenever there is a face-off between convenience & comfort against slightly better quality of anything, convenience & comfort wins almost every time.

This post talks about the stereotypes which I came across at these supermarkets. I have tried to arrange them in order of one’s journey right from entry to exit – the entire experience.

1)      Charlie to Bravo, Perimeter Secure, Proceed with caution – The fun actually starts even before you enter the market, right at the gate itself. Have you ever seen a bunch of more uninterested group of people then the security guards at the main gate – there will be two, one which will have a mirror and look under the front of your car and the other would ask you to open the boot and check it for explosives. Now here is the amusing part – first the check thru mirror under the front of the car. Now I don’t know the story behind this but really the cars today have such low ground clearance that it is literally impossible to carry a bomb underneath the front of the car. I myself drive a sedan with a very low ground clearance, if I ever place a bomb underneath the front, at the very first speed breaker that I drive on in the city of Bangalore, the bomb will explode in my face and involuntarily I will become a suicide bomber. The guard who inspects the boot, he is a bigger idiot – now I can never understand what is he trying to find with a metal detector when the entire God damn car is made of metal, honestly he should be concerned if the detector does not beep rather than when it does. Perhaps they are demotivated as they are still awaiting the performance bonus which they were promised at the time of hiring that they would be paid once they detect a bomb, poor misled fellows!!!!!!

2)      OED (Obsessive Elevator Disorder) – This condition is found among many who shop at these stores. You have just entered the premises you take the elevator to the supermarket floor, the moment the door opens even before you have stepped out someone shoves/ or try to shove their shopping carts into the elevator right thru your midsection, completely ignoring the fact as to who or how many are inside. These folks stand right in front of the elevator with their trolleys and leave no space for people to get out of the elevator also. Now if you would say that I am so thin that you can’t see me I can think of taking that as a compliment but I would not like to assume that my head also falls in this condition. Did all these dumb fucks see “Hollowman” or “Mr. India” right before they come for their shopping?

3)      Aisle Tetris – I come across a lot of people whose sense of space & positioning seems to be seriously impaired, consistently we see people standing right in front of elevator doors, having conversations on staircases making movement for others very difficult, same with escalators and security gates, food counters, the list can go on & on. Space in India at least is a luxury, most of the supermarkets are pretty cramped and very little space is left as aisles where customers can traverse through different sections to pick whatever they want to buy. Then are these stereotypes it almost looks like with their own bodies and their shopping carts they want to make every shape of block which appears in Tetris, they would move across the aisles at odd angles, leave their trolleys right in the middle of aisle in an awkward way and disappear to pick up stuff from the nearby sections. It’s almost like they are playing tetris in the market. Sometimes my demented mind takes over and just for the fun of it, I start picking stuff from these unattended trolleys, within 3 to 4 second the rightful owner of the stuff in the cart appears and then drives his/her trolley away close to where they are shopping….. Problem Solved!!!!!!

4)      The Cryst(aisle) maze – More than a decade back there used to be a game show on TV titled “The Crystal Maze”, it was one of my favorite ones for quite some time. There are some folks at these supermarkets which almost find the market layout to be a maze of sorts; they never have a clue of where to go to get what they want. But the worst part is they stand right in the middle of aisles and have extended discussions around the layout and where they should go to find what which make them fall in category 3 as people obstructing the aisles traffic. My solution for this is a simple one “Excuse me, Can you let the cart pass please!!!” but the trick does not lie in the phrase, it’s in the loudness with which it is said, practice makes you perfect be loud enough so that people in the near periphery also hears but don’t shout and look at the couple or group of people to whom this is said, it almost gives me the sarcastic pleasure and the voice inside me says “See I made you famous, you JERKS!!!!!”

5)      Hyper Enthused & Ready to Confuse – These are over enthusiastic sales staff, they are generally only found in sections where stuff life home décor, bed sheets, curtains and similar stuff are sold, kind of makes sense to have them at these counters, at the end of the day can you think of any way in which a sales assistant will be able to convince someone to buy 2 kgs of a vegetable instead of 1 or 2 boxes of breakfast cereal instead of 1, most likely not. Although the number of these kinds of hyper energetic sales people is dwindling yet whatever specimens of this species nearing extinction remains can sometimes be a real nuisance. A couple of weeks back when the same sales person asked me for the third time “Sir!! What are you looking for?” I got pissed and I replied “A Soul mate!!! Do you honestly think you will have everything I am looking for in my life in your stinking store?” Another instance was at a market which also stocked some basic garments again a sales rep got on my nerves first he said “What would you like to try out today?” then after 30 seconds “Sir!!! You can try anything out and see if you like it”, this again bought my evil side to life and I replied “How about the girl at the perfume counter, she looks like she would be worth a try? And does the 30 day return policy also applies” – let me admit upfront I am not proud of that statement as I have deepest respect & gratitude for female sex and I thoroughly despise any statement which objectifies them but some people just have the God gifted ability to get on your nerves this statement was just an outcome of such an encounter.

6)      Over confused & Not Amused – These are more prominent in numbers these days and are the exact opposites of the above stereotype of over enthusiastic sales staff. These folks have no clue about the layout of the store or how different sections are arranged. They are just there either to keep a watch or arrange stuff on shelves & most likely trainee staff who are paid on a daily contract basis. You ask them anything they would say that they would find out where whatever you are asking is stored and come back to you and then they disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. For obvious reasons they also look uninterested in their jobs. One day on my visit to a supermarket I decided to have fun and with malicious intent I asked the staff at the cosmetic counter where can I find Aniseed and the standard answer followed that he would figure it out and come back to me, but since I was out to have fun I said that I will follow him to whoever he is going to ask and I am not kidding you this was my journey to find aniseed – from the cosmetic counter staff to a staff at the breakfast cereal section, from the breakfast cereal section staff to the staff in the section where rice, oil, flour etc. were available, from that provisions section to the dry fruits section, and a staff from dry fruits section took me finally to the condiments section where while he was still trying to hunt for aniseed. I found it and declared how elated I was to discover it finally. Well that was one hell of a roller coaster ride across the store.

7)      CTC (Coupons, Tokens & Cards) – Well we have reached the billing counter and then when you eagerly want to get the billing done so that you can get out of the market for doing better things in life (yeah right like checking gmail for new emails, Facebook for notifications and whatsapp for messages… really how desperate we all have become!!!!), at this exact moment these stereotypes will emerge and out comes their grand collection of coupons, tokens & various cards in the smallest fractional denomination possible and then they stand at the counter and count them for ages feels like eternity. In addition to all this, these are some of the most hilarious stereotypical statements I come across:

                                             i.            This coupon has expired can we still use it? (yeah right how will you like it if you expire and then your kids on your dead body says can he/she still make dinner for us at least)

                                           ii.            Last time you said that this coupon is not acceptable here, can you check again (it is a supermarket not a Indian Politician who will change statements every second)

                                          iii.            Can you exchange these coupons in lower denominations? (What the FUCK, is it food coupons or foreign currency, and what do you think the staff at the billing counter is running a forex exchange scheme, morons!!!!)

8)      Uncle Scrooge lost in cash – These are the staff at the billing counter, for some reason these are the most incompetent people you will ever come across when dealing with numbers & calculations. They have been given a billing machine/cash register, a software installed on their billing machines with the sole purpose of doing billing calculations, most of them even keep a calculator yet with all this infrastructure they perpetually struggle to identify the amount of change they need to return. I almost wonder if there was a mathematics exam for selection of these folks and marks were mistaken for grades.

Supermarkets have their importance in our lives however shopping for basic provisions and other day to day used stuff still remains one of the most boring activities to be done over the weekends, but perhaps if you start identifying stereotypes it may become a bit more entertaining. This concludes my post for stereotypes which I have observed while shopping in supermarkets. So how many of them you can identify once you go for your regular visit with the list of thing to buy in your pockets, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

AS THE CALM SUMMER WINDS PASS ME BY…..

Clear Blue Sky, shining rainbow and beautiful weather
All the elements of nature could not keep us together
Stars dance in the night look like a falling bird feather
Innocence paid the price but I never wanted to be clever
I don’t know the truth; everything seems like a living lie
I wonder why…. As the calm summer winds pass me by….

It was the month of July; raindrops were falling on the roof
If you had given us a chance, I would have got you proof
Clouds casted their shadows, sounded like drums in a group
We had some great times together, but then you remain aloof
Sweet memories are there aplenty leaving tears in my eye
Every day I cry… As the calm summer winds pass me by….

Autumn in its full glory, animals gather around a stream
You were in my life; it was like living a beautiful dream
Nature’s creation at their best with a vibrant color scheme
When we had to finally part ways the emotions were extreme
I tried to express myself, nerves took over and I was shy
The end is nearby… As the calm summer winds pass me by….

Now cold winter has had its way, plants are stripped of flower
Realization of not having you around devours me every hour
Entire world is drained of color just like after a snow shower
Meaning misses from my life like a deserted town’s bell tower
You removed me out of your life, a fact I can no longer deny
I wish you goodbye…. As the calm summer winds pass me by….

STEREOTYPING – BABY’S DAY OUT – PARENTS, OMG!!!!

I have reached the age where most of my friends or similar age group folks either have very young kids, new born babies or are about to be parents. On a side note I recently discovered another way to scandalize my nosy relatives which also happens to be one of my favorite past times – whenever I get asked a question – “Are you married?” or “What are your plans to have a family?” etc etc. my reply to them is – “as of now I am not married” and then after a 3 second pause comes the punchline – “and I don’t have any kids also”. The mere realization that I am able to look at these two in isolation and not as sequential activities in the progression of life knocks the daylight out of my relatives and thoroughly amuses me. I am amazed as how the society believes that certain things are natural way of progression of life – at this age you have to get a job, by this age you have to get married, once married you need to have kids and the list goes on & on & on… My opinion on this is that anything which can be controlled and if the happening or non-happening of the event depends upon a decision which we are empowered to take then it is not a natural progression. Aging is a natural progression, Growing tall is a natural progression – weight management is not a natural progression, marriage is not a natural progression, having kids – forget about it not at all a natural progression.

This post is about mostly parents of young kids, toddlers and about to be parents and how I notice certain stereotypical behaviors among this set of people which obviously irritate me to a large extent. I have tried to arrange them in chronological order – implying these behaviors are on display right from child birth to his/her growing old

1)      It’s a “BABY” Boy/Girl – I get these calls when someone very recently has had a kid and they are all ecstatic, the parents on the call will go like – “It’s a baby boy” or “It’s a baby girl”- listen so long as it is a new born it will always be a baby, no female’s uterus is capable of holding a fully grown boy or girl, whatever comes out of a mother’s vagina will be a baby only it will be either a boy or a girl. Furthermore since you are calling me to inform me it is implied that it is a baby, had it been a fully grown kid then either CNN or BBC would have informed me that you have given birth to a fully grown boy or girl. So just let me know if it is a boy or a girl, rest I have the commonsense to understand it is a baby.

2)      A baby has arrived not JESUS – Seinfeld (the popular sitcom) in one of the episodes I think in Season 2 or 3 (I can’t recall exactly) nailed it correctly when Jerry & Elaine have been repeatedly asked by a friend of theirs to visit them to see their new born, both of them go like why do the parents keep saying – “Come See the baby”, “Come see the baby”, “Yeah the Baby”, “Come see the baby”, when I get these calls my mind is saying in the background – “Screw your baby”. I mean really I have a job which makes me work from 9 AM to 9 PM on weekdays, on weekends I have banks to visit, bills to pay, clothes to wash & dry, groceries to buy, whatever time is left I want to watch a movie or attend an event, hang out with friends or do something to entertain myself, you honestly think I will drive all the way to wherever or sometimes travel across cities to see your baby, really what is in it for me???? “Come see the baby”, “Come see the baby” – to hell with you & your baby!!!!!!

3)      George Clooney or Marilyn Monroe or Ugly Kid Joe – Once you do get to see the baby his/her parents will be like “Isn’t he/she cute?”, “Doesn’t he/she look like xyz?”. Listen morons how can a kid who is like a month old or less can look like anyone, I will make things simpler for you - in this entire world any baby born can be fit in 4 categories or looks – FAIR & CUTE, FAIR & UGLY, DARK & CUTE and DARK & UGLY, your kid looks like one of these and not like George Clooney or Marilyn Monroe or your grandparents or your housemaid so stop thinking. I know a lot of people will disagree when they read that I say kids can be ugly – HELL YES they can be ugly, otherwise explain to me this inequality of how so many grown up people in this world are ugly, are you trying to tell me everyone was born beautiful then what happened - the solar energy made them ugly when they grew up, stop selling this shit. My sincere advice to parents -  acknowledge & accept if your kid is ugly – educate him/her, ask him/her to be fit & in shape, let them develop a good dressing sense, let them have good manners and they will do fine for themselves in this world. Don’t make them grow up thinking they are the reincarnations of Antonio Banderas or Keira Knightley.

4)      Home Grown Einsteins and Madame Curies – This irritates me the most all parents find their young kids to be super intelligent. I have had someone tell me that their kid was very intelligent because he learned how to walk one month early then the normal age at which kids began to walk – I mean REALLY does your kid’s wisdom lies in his ankles or quad muscles. Get Real….. 99% of the kids are just normal, your kid is also just normal, if he is lucky he/she will grow up to be normal, if he is more lucky in this day and age he/she will be able to get a normal 9 to 5 job and like every other normal people he/she will struggle for most part of their lives to get things done – to manage priorities, manage finances, manage relationships etc etc… this is what normal people (read it as 99% of the human population) do and your kid is going to do the same. He/She is not super intelligent, you have gone plain dumb

5)      Her Little Black Dress/His Grey Suit – I find parents constantly complaining about how fast their kids are growing and how clothes they bought 3 months back, 6 months back don’t fit them anymore – parents will go like – “Oh!! I bought this suit for her just 6 months back, she wore it only twice and now it does not fit” or “we bought him a jacket for winters and now he is all grown up what a waste of money”. My question why are you not happy that he/she is growing up fast do you really want your kids to remain MIDGETS? Dumb fucks let them grow, the faster the better!!!!

6)      Bubble Boy & Girl – Parents living in urban India at least have gone completely paranoid about their kids. I live in a gated community which has around 600 odd apartments and I continuously hear stuff like – don’t let children play outside the community there is pollution, don’t have pesticide and other stuff sprayed 2 hours before or after children’s play time, they will not take their kids out without switching on the air conditioning system in their cars, kids only go to shopping malls which are air conditioned and the list goes on and on. My take on this is your kid is going to grow up and go out in a world which environmentally is going to be worst then what it is now and no one can deny that, then why are you making their immune systems so weak let them face dust, pollution and the harsh realities of the world we live in unless you are hoping that you will buy your kid a bubble which will have internal environment control and you expect your kid to live his/her entire life in that bubble you may never be able to get a physical bubble but you are definitely creating a virtual one for them!!!!!

7)      Cussing is Prohibited – A couple of weeks back I got frowned upon because I used the phrase “fucking crap” in the attendance of a 6 year old. Parents continuously prevent (or try to) their kids from learning or hearing cuss words – my single point question for how long???? And how many of them are successful??? If the kid is going to school, if he/she has a friend circle then he/she will learn these irrespective of how much you don’t want to. My take on this is they should be allowed to learn all of these cuss words, these words are (or have become) an integral part of today’s society, what as responsible or successful parents one should do is to sensitize them as to what are their meanings and when to use or not use them. I see this as a parallel for sex education – do you honestly think your son/daughter will never go out and fuck someone or get fucked, what you need to inculcate in them is how to decide, when to be ready to make that decision and what precautions to take. Additional note also teach your sons in particular that a “No” by a girl means a “No” – doing this you will ensure a better future for your son and the society as a whole.

This is a smaller post as compared to others which I have written but as of now these are the only ones I can think of but by now you would have realized neither do I like nor do I get to be in the company of many kids or new parents for obvious reasons. So how many of them can you identify in your life with your encounters with the toddlers’ brigade, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!