I have reached the age where most of my friends or similar
age group folks either have very young kids, new born babies or are about to be
parents. On a side note I recently discovered another way to scandalize my nosy
relatives which also happens to be one of my favorite past times – whenever I
get asked a question – “Are you married?” or “What are your plans to have a
family?” etc etc. my reply to them is – “as of now I am not married” and then
after a 3 second pause comes the punchline – “and I don’t have any kids also”.
The mere realization that I am able to look at these two in isolation and not
as sequential activities in the progression of life knocks the daylight out of
my relatives and thoroughly amuses me. I am amazed as how the society believes
that certain things are natural way of progression of life – at this age you
have to get a job, by this age you have to get married, once married you need
to have kids and the list goes on & on & on… My opinion on this is that
anything which can be controlled and if the happening or non-happening of the
event depends upon a decision which we are empowered to take then it is not a
natural progression. Aging is a natural progression, Growing tall is a natural
progression – weight management is not a natural progression, marriage is not a
natural progression, having kids – forget about it not at all a natural
progression.
This post is about mostly parents of young kids, toddlers
and about to be parents and how I notice certain stereotypical behaviors among
this set of people which obviously irritate me to a large extent. I have tried
to arrange them in chronological order – implying these behaviors are on
display right from child birth to his/her growing old
1) It’s a “BABY” Boy/Girl – I get these calls when someone very
recently has had a kid and they are all ecstatic, the parents on the call will
go like – “It’s a baby boy” or “It’s a baby girl”- listen so long as it is a
new born it will always be a baby, no female’s uterus is capable of holding a
fully grown boy or girl, whatever comes out of a mother’s vagina will be a baby
only it will be either a boy or a girl. Furthermore since you are calling me to
inform me it is implied that it is a baby, had it been a fully grown kid then
either CNN or BBC would have informed me that you have given birth to a fully
grown boy or girl. So just let me know if it is a boy or a girl, rest I have
the commonsense to understand it is a baby.
2) A baby has arrived not JESUS – Seinfeld (the popular
sitcom) in one of the episodes I think in Season 2 or 3 (I can’t recall
exactly) nailed it correctly when Jerry & Elaine have been repeatedly asked
by a friend of theirs to visit them to see their new born, both of them go like
why do the parents keep saying – “Come See the baby”, “Come see the baby”,
“Yeah the Baby”, “Come see the baby”, when I get these calls my mind is saying
in the background – “Screw your baby”. I mean really I have a job which makes
me work from 9 AM to 9 PM on weekdays, on weekends I have banks to visit, bills
to pay, clothes to wash & dry, groceries to buy, whatever time is left I
want to watch a movie or attend an event, hang out with friends or do something
to entertain myself, you honestly think I will drive all the way to wherever or
sometimes travel across cities to see your baby, really what is in it for
me???? “Come see the baby”, “Come see the baby” – to hell with you & your
baby!!!!!!
3) George Clooney or Marilyn Monroe or Ugly Kid Joe – Once
you do get to see the baby his/her parents will be like “Isn’t he/she cute?”,
“Doesn’t he/she look like xyz?”. Listen morons how can a kid who is like a
month old or less can look like anyone, I will make things simpler for you - in
this entire world any baby born can be fit in 4 categories or looks – FAIR
& CUTE, FAIR & UGLY, DARK & CUTE and DARK & UGLY, your kid looks
like one of these and not like George Clooney or Marilyn Monroe or your
grandparents or your housemaid so stop thinking. I know a lot of people will
disagree when they read that I say kids can be ugly – HELL YES they can be
ugly, otherwise explain to me this inequality of how so many grown up people in
this world are ugly, are you trying to tell me everyone was born beautiful then
what happened - the solar energy made them ugly when they grew up, stop selling
this shit. My sincere advice to parents - acknowledge & accept if your kid is ugly –
educate him/her, ask him/her to be fit & in shape, let them develop a good
dressing sense, let them have good manners and they will do fine for themselves
in this world. Don’t make them grow up thinking they are the reincarnations of
Antonio Banderas or Keira Knightley.
4) Home Grown Einsteins and Madame Curies – This irritates
me the most all parents find their young kids to be super intelligent. I have
had someone tell me that their kid was very intelligent because he learned how
to walk one month early then the normal age at which kids began to walk – I
mean REALLY does your kid’s wisdom lies in his ankles or quad muscles. Get
Real….. 99% of the kids are just normal, your kid is also just normal, if he is
lucky he/she will grow up to be normal, if he is more lucky in this day and age
he/she will be able to get a normal 9 to 5 job and like every other normal
people he/she will struggle for most part of their lives to get things done –
to manage priorities, manage finances, manage relationships etc etc… this is
what normal people (read it as 99% of the human population) do and your kid is
going to do the same. He/She is not super intelligent, you have gone plain dumb
5) Her Little Black Dress/His Grey Suit – I find parents
constantly complaining about how fast their kids are growing and how clothes
they bought 3 months back, 6 months back don’t fit them anymore – parents will
go like – “Oh!! I bought this suit for her just 6 months back, she wore it only
twice and now it does not fit” or “we bought him a jacket for winters and now
he is all grown up what a waste of money”. My question why are you not happy
that he/she is growing up fast do you really want your kids to remain MIDGETS?
Dumb fucks let them grow, the faster the better!!!!
6) Bubble Boy & Girl – Parents living in urban India
at least have gone completely paranoid about their kids. I live in a gated
community which has around 600 odd apartments and I continuously hear stuff
like – don’t let children play outside the community there is pollution, don’t
have pesticide and other stuff sprayed 2 hours before or after children’s play
time, they will not take their kids out without switching on the air
conditioning system in their cars, kids only go to shopping malls which are air
conditioned and the list goes on and on. My take on this is your kid is going
to grow up and go out in a world which environmentally is going to be worst then
what it is now and no one can deny that, then why are you making their immune
systems so weak let them face dust, pollution and the harsh realities of the
world we live in unless you are hoping that you will buy your kid a bubble
which will have internal environment control and you expect your kid to live
his/her entire life in that bubble you may never be able to get a physical
bubble but you are definitely creating a virtual one for them!!!!!
7) Cussing is Prohibited – A couple of weeks back I got
frowned upon because I used the phrase “fucking crap” in the attendance of a 6
year old. Parents continuously prevent (or try to) their kids from learning or
hearing cuss words – my single point question for how long???? And how many of
them are successful??? If the kid is going to school, if he/she has a friend
circle then he/she will learn these irrespective of how much you don’t want to.
My take on this is they should be allowed to learn all of these cuss words, these
words are (or have become) an integral part of today’s society, what as
responsible or successful parents one should do is to sensitize them as to what
are their meanings and when to use or not use them. I see this as a parallel
for sex education – do you honestly think your son/daughter will never go out
and fuck someone or get fucked, what you need to inculcate in them is how to
decide, when to be ready to make that decision and what precautions to take.
Additional note also teach your sons in particular that a “No” by a girl means
a “No” – doing this you will ensure a better future for your son and the
society as a whole.
This is a smaller post as compared to others which I have
written but as of now these are the only ones I can think of but by now you
would have realized neither do I like nor do I get to be in the company of many
kids or new parents for obvious reasons. So how many of them can you identify
in your life with your encounters with the toddlers’ brigade, feel free to let
me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.
In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!
hilarious!!
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