THIS IS THE LAST DANCE

It’s Friday night, and it’s time to dance, in a club on Sesame Street
You & me, our eyes meet, I don’t know about you but I feel the heat
Without you floor feels incomplete, this is not the time to be discreet
Me & you, we won’t miss a beat. This is how we were meant to meet 

How can you be so beautiful? A look at you and I lose my stance
Your moves get me in a hypnotic trance…… This is the last dance

Trying not to be wise, ask you for a dance, under the starry skies
Take your soft hand, lead you to the floor, and look into those eyes
My arms around your waist and music on the floor hits a new high
Waited for someone like you my whole life, why should I lie? 
Can’t find someone like you be it Shanghai, Germany or France
I don’t wanna play a game of chance……. This is the last dance

We paint the floor without ink, would you like me to get you a drink
With you & me the heat won’t sink, our moves are in a perfect sync
You look at me and your eyes blink, you were my life’s missing link
Hey girl, you push me to the brink, a life without you I cannot think 
I don’t feel like this every day, this is not a patterned advance
You took my heart away at first glance…. This is the last dance

Being with you is so much fun, your face shines like the glowing sun
Ready to be a hired gun, you will be mine everything said & done
All the evil in the world we will outrun, face our troubles one by one
You are definitely the best, my loved one. Better then you there is none 
My love for you is gonna be unending just like nature’s expanse
Neither Moulin rouge nor gothic romance….. This is the last dance

STEREOTYPING – LET THE SHOPPING CARTS ROLL – SUPERMARKETS

With urban India progressing rapidly everyone is struggling to find time for themselves, family & friends. Working couples, young kids, hectic schedules, long working hours – all lead to a continuous struggle to save time in every activity possible. Arrive, SUPERMARKETS to the rescue. Under one roof, spread across a few floors one can get everything – fruits, vegetables, other provisions, groceries, toiletries, cosmetics, pretty much everything which we use in our day to day lives. An hour or two over the weekend and you are done for the week at least… dump the stuff in the boot of the car and drive home – one major problem resolved.

Due to the reasons above urban India at least has whole heartedly embraced these supermarkets with open arms and they have become an integral part of all of our lives. Yeah!!! perhaps the freshness of the vegetables & fruits has been compromised a bit when we compare to buying them every day from street side vendors as our parents use to. But in today’s busy lives whenever there is a face-off between convenience & comfort against slightly better quality of anything, convenience & comfort wins almost every time.

This post talks about the stereotypes which I came across at these supermarkets. I have tried to arrange them in order of one’s journey right from entry to exit – the entire experience.

1)      Charlie to Bravo, Perimeter Secure, Proceed with caution – The fun actually starts even before you enter the market, right at the gate itself. Have you ever seen a bunch of more uninterested group of people then the security guards at the main gate – there will be two, one which will have a mirror and look under the front of your car and the other would ask you to open the boot and check it for explosives. Now here is the amusing part – first the check thru mirror under the front of the car. Now I don’t know the story behind this but really the cars today have such low ground clearance that it is literally impossible to carry a bomb underneath the front of the car. I myself drive a sedan with a very low ground clearance, if I ever place a bomb underneath the front, at the very first speed breaker that I drive on in the city of Bangalore, the bomb will explode in my face and involuntarily I will become a suicide bomber. The guard who inspects the boot, he is a bigger idiot – now I can never understand what is he trying to find with a metal detector when the entire God damn car is made of metal, honestly he should be concerned if the detector does not beep rather than when it does. Perhaps they are demotivated as they are still awaiting the performance bonus which they were promised at the time of hiring that they would be paid once they detect a bomb, poor misled fellows!!!!!!

2)      OED (Obsessive Elevator Disorder) – This condition is found among many who shop at these stores. You have just entered the premises you take the elevator to the supermarket floor, the moment the door opens even before you have stepped out someone shoves/ or try to shove their shopping carts into the elevator right thru your midsection, completely ignoring the fact as to who or how many are inside. These folks stand right in front of the elevator with their trolleys and leave no space for people to get out of the elevator also. Now if you would say that I am so thin that you can’t see me I can think of taking that as a compliment but I would not like to assume that my head also falls in this condition. Did all these dumb fucks see “Hollowman” or “Mr. India” right before they come for their shopping?

3)      Aisle Tetris – I come across a lot of people whose sense of space & positioning seems to be seriously impaired, consistently we see people standing right in front of elevator doors, having conversations on staircases making movement for others very difficult, same with escalators and security gates, food counters, the list can go on & on. Space in India at least is a luxury, most of the supermarkets are pretty cramped and very little space is left as aisles where customers can traverse through different sections to pick whatever they want to buy. Then are these stereotypes it almost looks like with their own bodies and their shopping carts they want to make every shape of block which appears in Tetris, they would move across the aisles at odd angles, leave their trolleys right in the middle of aisle in an awkward way and disappear to pick up stuff from the nearby sections. It’s almost like they are playing tetris in the market. Sometimes my demented mind takes over and just for the fun of it, I start picking stuff from these unattended trolleys, within 3 to 4 second the rightful owner of the stuff in the cart appears and then drives his/her trolley away close to where they are shopping….. Problem Solved!!!!!!

4)      The Cryst(aisle) maze – More than a decade back there used to be a game show on TV titled “The Crystal Maze”, it was one of my favorite ones for quite some time. There are some folks at these supermarkets which almost find the market layout to be a maze of sorts; they never have a clue of where to go to get what they want. But the worst part is they stand right in the middle of aisles and have extended discussions around the layout and where they should go to find what which make them fall in category 3 as people obstructing the aisles traffic. My solution for this is a simple one “Excuse me, Can you let the cart pass please!!!” but the trick does not lie in the phrase, it’s in the loudness with which it is said, practice makes you perfect be loud enough so that people in the near periphery also hears but don’t shout and look at the couple or group of people to whom this is said, it almost gives me the sarcastic pleasure and the voice inside me says “See I made you famous, you JERKS!!!!!”

5)      Hyper Enthused & Ready to Confuse – These are over enthusiastic sales staff, they are generally only found in sections where stuff life home décor, bed sheets, curtains and similar stuff are sold, kind of makes sense to have them at these counters, at the end of the day can you think of any way in which a sales assistant will be able to convince someone to buy 2 kgs of a vegetable instead of 1 or 2 boxes of breakfast cereal instead of 1, most likely not. Although the number of these kinds of hyper energetic sales people is dwindling yet whatever specimens of this species nearing extinction remains can sometimes be a real nuisance. A couple of weeks back when the same sales person asked me for the third time “Sir!! What are you looking for?” I got pissed and I replied “A Soul mate!!! Do you honestly think you will have everything I am looking for in my life in your stinking store?” Another instance was at a market which also stocked some basic garments again a sales rep got on my nerves first he said “What would you like to try out today?” then after 30 seconds “Sir!!! You can try anything out and see if you like it”, this again bought my evil side to life and I replied “How about the girl at the perfume counter, she looks like she would be worth a try? And does the 30 day return policy also applies” – let me admit upfront I am not proud of that statement as I have deepest respect & gratitude for female sex and I thoroughly despise any statement which objectifies them but some people just have the God gifted ability to get on your nerves this statement was just an outcome of such an encounter.

6)      Over confused & Not Amused – These are more prominent in numbers these days and are the exact opposites of the above stereotype of over enthusiastic sales staff. These folks have no clue about the layout of the store or how different sections are arranged. They are just there either to keep a watch or arrange stuff on shelves & most likely trainee staff who are paid on a daily contract basis. You ask them anything they would say that they would find out where whatever you are asking is stored and come back to you and then they disappear, never to be seen or heard from again. For obvious reasons they also look uninterested in their jobs. One day on my visit to a supermarket I decided to have fun and with malicious intent I asked the staff at the cosmetic counter where can I find Aniseed and the standard answer followed that he would figure it out and come back to me, but since I was out to have fun I said that I will follow him to whoever he is going to ask and I am not kidding you this was my journey to find aniseed – from the cosmetic counter staff to a staff at the breakfast cereal section, from the breakfast cereal section staff to the staff in the section where rice, oil, flour etc. were available, from that provisions section to the dry fruits section, and a staff from dry fruits section took me finally to the condiments section where while he was still trying to hunt for aniseed. I found it and declared how elated I was to discover it finally. Well that was one hell of a roller coaster ride across the store.

7)      CTC (Coupons, Tokens & Cards) – Well we have reached the billing counter and then when you eagerly want to get the billing done so that you can get out of the market for doing better things in life (yeah right like checking gmail for new emails, Facebook for notifications and whatsapp for messages… really how desperate we all have become!!!!), at this exact moment these stereotypes will emerge and out comes their grand collection of coupons, tokens & various cards in the smallest fractional denomination possible and then they stand at the counter and count them for ages feels like eternity. In addition to all this, these are some of the most hilarious stereotypical statements I come across:

                                             i.            This coupon has expired can we still use it? (yeah right how will you like it if you expire and then your kids on your dead body says can he/she still make dinner for us at least)

                                           ii.            Last time you said that this coupon is not acceptable here, can you check again (it is a supermarket not a Indian Politician who will change statements every second)

                                          iii.            Can you exchange these coupons in lower denominations? (What the FUCK, is it food coupons or foreign currency, and what do you think the staff at the billing counter is running a forex exchange scheme, morons!!!!)

8)      Uncle Scrooge lost in cash – These are the staff at the billing counter, for some reason these are the most incompetent people you will ever come across when dealing with numbers & calculations. They have been given a billing machine/cash register, a software installed on their billing machines with the sole purpose of doing billing calculations, most of them even keep a calculator yet with all this infrastructure they perpetually struggle to identify the amount of change they need to return. I almost wonder if there was a mathematics exam for selection of these folks and marks were mistaken for grades.

Supermarkets have their importance in our lives however shopping for basic provisions and other day to day used stuff still remains one of the most boring activities to be done over the weekends, but perhaps if you start identifying stereotypes it may become a bit more entertaining. This concludes my post for stereotypes which I have observed while shopping in supermarkets. So how many of them you can identify once you go for your regular visit with the list of thing to buy in your pockets, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

AS THE CALM SUMMER WINDS PASS ME BY…..

Clear Blue Sky, shining rainbow and beautiful weather
All the elements of nature could not keep us together
Stars dance in the night look like a falling bird feather
Innocence paid the price but I never wanted to be clever
I don’t know the truth; everything seems like a living lie
I wonder why…. As the calm summer winds pass me by….

It was the month of July; raindrops were falling on the roof
If you had given us a chance, I would have got you proof
Clouds casted their shadows, sounded like drums in a group
We had some great times together, but then you remain aloof
Sweet memories are there aplenty leaving tears in my eye
Every day I cry… As the calm summer winds pass me by….

Autumn in its full glory, animals gather around a stream
You were in my life; it was like living a beautiful dream
Nature’s creation at their best with a vibrant color scheme
When we had to finally part ways the emotions were extreme
I tried to express myself, nerves took over and I was shy
The end is nearby… As the calm summer winds pass me by….

Now cold winter has had its way, plants are stripped of flower
Realization of not having you around devours me every hour
Entire world is drained of color just like after a snow shower
Meaning misses from my life like a deserted town’s bell tower
You removed me out of your life, a fact I can no longer deny
I wish you goodbye…. As the calm summer winds pass me by….

STEREOTYPING – BABY’S DAY OUT – PARENTS, OMG!!!!

I have reached the age where most of my friends or similar age group folks either have very young kids, new born babies or are about to be parents. On a side note I recently discovered another way to scandalize my nosy relatives which also happens to be one of my favorite past times – whenever I get asked a question – “Are you married?” or “What are your plans to have a family?” etc etc. my reply to them is – “as of now I am not married” and then after a 3 second pause comes the punchline – “and I don’t have any kids also”. The mere realization that I am able to look at these two in isolation and not as sequential activities in the progression of life knocks the daylight out of my relatives and thoroughly amuses me. I am amazed as how the society believes that certain things are natural way of progression of life – at this age you have to get a job, by this age you have to get married, once married you need to have kids and the list goes on & on & on… My opinion on this is that anything which can be controlled and if the happening or non-happening of the event depends upon a decision which we are empowered to take then it is not a natural progression. Aging is a natural progression, Growing tall is a natural progression – weight management is not a natural progression, marriage is not a natural progression, having kids – forget about it not at all a natural progression.

This post is about mostly parents of young kids, toddlers and about to be parents and how I notice certain stereotypical behaviors among this set of people which obviously irritate me to a large extent. I have tried to arrange them in chronological order – implying these behaviors are on display right from child birth to his/her growing old

1)      It’s a “BABY” Boy/Girl – I get these calls when someone very recently has had a kid and they are all ecstatic, the parents on the call will go like – “It’s a baby boy” or “It’s a baby girl”- listen so long as it is a new born it will always be a baby, no female’s uterus is capable of holding a fully grown boy or girl, whatever comes out of a mother’s vagina will be a baby only it will be either a boy or a girl. Furthermore since you are calling me to inform me it is implied that it is a baby, had it been a fully grown kid then either CNN or BBC would have informed me that you have given birth to a fully grown boy or girl. So just let me know if it is a boy or a girl, rest I have the commonsense to understand it is a baby.

2)      A baby has arrived not JESUS – Seinfeld (the popular sitcom) in one of the episodes I think in Season 2 or 3 (I can’t recall exactly) nailed it correctly when Jerry & Elaine have been repeatedly asked by a friend of theirs to visit them to see their new born, both of them go like why do the parents keep saying – “Come See the baby”, “Come see the baby”, “Yeah the Baby”, “Come see the baby”, when I get these calls my mind is saying in the background – “Screw your baby”. I mean really I have a job which makes me work from 9 AM to 9 PM on weekdays, on weekends I have banks to visit, bills to pay, clothes to wash & dry, groceries to buy, whatever time is left I want to watch a movie or attend an event, hang out with friends or do something to entertain myself, you honestly think I will drive all the way to wherever or sometimes travel across cities to see your baby, really what is in it for me???? “Come see the baby”, “Come see the baby” – to hell with you & your baby!!!!!!

3)      George Clooney or Marilyn Monroe or Ugly Kid Joe – Once you do get to see the baby his/her parents will be like “Isn’t he/she cute?”, “Doesn’t he/she look like xyz?”. Listen morons how can a kid who is like a month old or less can look like anyone, I will make things simpler for you - in this entire world any baby born can be fit in 4 categories or looks – FAIR & CUTE, FAIR & UGLY, DARK & CUTE and DARK & UGLY, your kid looks like one of these and not like George Clooney or Marilyn Monroe or your grandparents or your housemaid so stop thinking. I know a lot of people will disagree when they read that I say kids can be ugly – HELL YES they can be ugly, otherwise explain to me this inequality of how so many grown up people in this world are ugly, are you trying to tell me everyone was born beautiful then what happened - the solar energy made them ugly when they grew up, stop selling this shit. My sincere advice to parents -  acknowledge & accept if your kid is ugly – educate him/her, ask him/her to be fit & in shape, let them develop a good dressing sense, let them have good manners and they will do fine for themselves in this world. Don’t make them grow up thinking they are the reincarnations of Antonio Banderas or Keira Knightley.

4)      Home Grown Einsteins and Madame Curies – This irritates me the most all parents find their young kids to be super intelligent. I have had someone tell me that their kid was very intelligent because he learned how to walk one month early then the normal age at which kids began to walk – I mean REALLY does your kid’s wisdom lies in his ankles or quad muscles. Get Real….. 99% of the kids are just normal, your kid is also just normal, if he is lucky he/she will grow up to be normal, if he is more lucky in this day and age he/she will be able to get a normal 9 to 5 job and like every other normal people he/she will struggle for most part of their lives to get things done – to manage priorities, manage finances, manage relationships etc etc… this is what normal people (read it as 99% of the human population) do and your kid is going to do the same. He/She is not super intelligent, you have gone plain dumb

5)      Her Little Black Dress/His Grey Suit – I find parents constantly complaining about how fast their kids are growing and how clothes they bought 3 months back, 6 months back don’t fit them anymore – parents will go like – “Oh!! I bought this suit for her just 6 months back, she wore it only twice and now it does not fit” or “we bought him a jacket for winters and now he is all grown up what a waste of money”. My question why are you not happy that he/she is growing up fast do you really want your kids to remain MIDGETS? Dumb fucks let them grow, the faster the better!!!!

6)      Bubble Boy & Girl – Parents living in urban India at least have gone completely paranoid about their kids. I live in a gated community which has around 600 odd apartments and I continuously hear stuff like – don’t let children play outside the community there is pollution, don’t have pesticide and other stuff sprayed 2 hours before or after children’s play time, they will not take their kids out without switching on the air conditioning system in their cars, kids only go to shopping malls which are air conditioned and the list goes on and on. My take on this is your kid is going to grow up and go out in a world which environmentally is going to be worst then what it is now and no one can deny that, then why are you making their immune systems so weak let them face dust, pollution and the harsh realities of the world we live in unless you are hoping that you will buy your kid a bubble which will have internal environment control and you expect your kid to live his/her entire life in that bubble you may never be able to get a physical bubble but you are definitely creating a virtual one for them!!!!!

7)      Cussing is Prohibited – A couple of weeks back I got frowned upon because I used the phrase “fucking crap” in the attendance of a 6 year old. Parents continuously prevent (or try to) their kids from learning or hearing cuss words – my single point question for how long???? And how many of them are successful??? If the kid is going to school, if he/she has a friend circle then he/she will learn these irrespective of how much you don’t want to. My take on this is they should be allowed to learn all of these cuss words, these words are (or have become) an integral part of today’s society, what as responsible or successful parents one should do is to sensitize them as to what are their meanings and when to use or not use them. I see this as a parallel for sex education – do you honestly think your son/daughter will never go out and fuck someone or get fucked, what you need to inculcate in them is how to decide, when to be ready to make that decision and what precautions to take. Additional note also teach your sons in particular that a “No” by a girl means a “No” – doing this you will ensure a better future for your son and the society as a whole.

This is a smaller post as compared to others which I have written but as of now these are the only ones I can think of but by now you would have realized neither do I like nor do I get to be in the company of many kids or new parents for obvious reasons. So how many of them can you identify in your life with your encounters with the toddlers’ brigade, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile till next time Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

I CANNOT LET YOU WALK AWAY

If there was any other possible way

I would have been there for you everyday

Strangest games is what life play

Towards happiness I fail to sway

I try…. I cannot let you walk away

Life is full of triads & trials

My love for you is a burning desire

I know I can’t set the world on fire

Inside of me feels like a barbed wire

Lost in a maze I can’t find my way

I try…. I cannot let you walk away

Fences in our minds keeps us apart

Between you & me faith played its part

Keep you happy I would have tried really hard

It’s now an empty vessel, it was my heart

The demons between us I tried to slay

I try…. I cannot let you walk away

With you by my side I saw a future

A cold night, a fireplace & we were together

Little home, beautiful porch & a walk in dresser

Sunrise & Sunset, the rainbow never looked better

Countryside on the grass we would have lay

I try…. I cannot let you walk away

Now that destiny has had its way

My heart is numb and my soul astray

Finding love for me was like needle in hay

You are the most beautiful soul my eyes ever lay

I tried… I could not stop you from walking away

STEREOTYPING – Two Lives One Union & The Whole Circus – FAMILY WEDDING

So here I am on my way back from a family wedding, the wedding was a two day affair which had 6 different events culminating into the final marriage ritual for the bride & groom. I attended as a relative of the bride & the wedding took place in the city where the groom resides.

In a nut shell the agenda was: First Day – Engagement Ceremony, Visit to the temple & evening entertainment & dance show which Indians call “Sangeet”. Second Day – another event which I am still clueless about, a visit to the temple & finally marriage ritual late at night (although technically it was early morning of the next day)

This post is going to be highly clichéd since we all are aware and already know some of the stereotypes we encounter in all Indian Marriages, plus for me it was quite an experience since it was the first family wedding that I attended after a span of 13 years (it has been so long that I even got the number of years wrong in the last post) and the wedding in taking place in a city which is in that part of India which is known for over the top antics for every occasion. Oh Boy!!!!! Am I excited!!!

Upfront some clarifications:

Firstly, since males & females have very distinct role, responsibilities & behavioral patterns in Indian weddings the individual stereotypes will fit more appropriately for a particular sex. I would mention that in the descriptions for the stereotypes – so yes this post is going to be sexist at a lot of places!!!!!!!

Secondly, there is nothing small about Indian marriages; everything is big & larger than life, so even a blog post about Indian marriages cannot be tiny. This is going to be a long one.

1)      Santa, painting the town red – Let me crush your hopes before they get too high, I am not talking about some guys who love kids or nice old people, the only reason I am using Santa’s reference is because of Red color. These are men who are serial tobacco addicts. Their mouths are more red then the bride’s dress or the bright red nail polish of the bridesmaids. If these guys are not controlled they will paint your entire wedding venue red with their spitting habits. If you don’t want a red colored graffiti on your expensive dresses stay as far as possible from these guys.

2)      The Miss (Mis) Informer – Yeah we all have one or two females like this in every family wedding. These are women mostly married who would always claim that they know the entire schedule of the wedding, they know the exact time when all the different events will happen, where they will happen, who will do what, who will be required. fundamentally these females are elusive to the sentence “I do not know”. Goes without saying that most of their information if not all are incorrect, because they themselves don’t know Jack Shit about the wedding.

3)      Bride’s Bitches – These can be some of the toughest guests to manage, these are the closest friends/gossip partners/BFFs of the bride. Half of them who are married are happy as they are thinking “welcome to the club bitch, now you would know what it takes” for the bride, the other half who are unmarried are thinking “one bitch less to compete with for dresses, shoes & accessories”, whoever are left just draw hope that someday they will also get their knight in shining armor & are genuinely happy for the bride. These girls are demanding – separate room, separate place for makeup, separate cars for transportation, unrestricted access to bride’s room (and Groom’s room also sometimes). I wonder if somewhere in the entire event they start assuming it is their marriage!!!!!

4)      Groom’s Grubs – If I mention Bride’s Bitches, how can I not elaborate the Groom’s grub like friends. They are the worst of the lot both sides of a wedding put together. Someone has to beat them in their head (or their ankles, where their brains lie) that merely being close to the groom does not change their lineage to royal blue bloods and does not entitle them to any special treatment. Most of them are there for free food & booze, and the perpetual hope of getting laid – but then come to think of it, is there any place where guys go without the hope of being laid? (I can think of one perhaps – Men’s restroom :))

5)      The Complete Package – I am not talking about some good looking hunk so don’t get excited. These can be both men and women. They are mostly in their mid-40s or elder then that. They would have met you after a long time will come to you, talk to you for less than 10 minutes and then comes their patented question – What is your package? Or How much do you earn? The more irritating part it they will not take a subtle no for an answer and will keep pestering unless either you tell them correct or incorrect amount or just plain & simple ask them to fuck off!!!!!. Generally these are people who are deeply insecure about their own earnings or their kid’s earnings and constantly try and draw comparisons in the family just to see where there kids are placed, or just boost their own ego. 

6)      Male Chauvinistic Pigs – There are plenty of men who fall in this bracket. These guys will get up in the morning of the wedding functions, put on a routine shirt & a fuck all trouser, look like crap come out in the hotel lobby and discuss it with other men as to how they got ready in 30 minutes while the females are taking two hours. My simple two point answer to these assholes – Don’t worry the effort of 2 Hours vis a vis 30 Mins will show all day, and have you ever come across a wedding where the event was made to look glamorous because of guys.. I mean whom are we fooling it’s the women that make the wedding worth attending. Have you ever seen a wedding album look colorful because of the pictures of men who attended the wedding? We all know the answer don’t we? My suggestion to all these morons – let them take their time; trust me they will make it worth your while bu looking gorgeous.

7)      The Kid Contemporary Dancers Brigade – Anyone who has seen contemporary dance understands that the form requires extensive floor work techniques. Now since we are covering all age groups how can we leave out the kids. This is their time to shine & their names to be mentioned. There are always some kids ranging from approximately 2 – 5 years age group whom you would see sliding, rolling all over the floor of wedding halls and that too in nice new dresses. Their moms don’t care or they care for some time and after that they get too tired of caring for these kids, in most of Indian weddings men by default don’t care about their kids. So the final result is that you would see them at all the different floors be it banquet hall floor, reception stage floor, if nothing else then out in the open grass they will roll their way to glory. I gave a suggestion this time; leave them out in the morning for an hour unattended in the banquet hall perhaps we can save the money which we would pay to the janitors. For the record the suggestion was not received well :)

8)      SDIPA Rejects – If anyone has ever attended an SDIPA (Shiamak Davar Institute of Performing Arts) Class you know how bad you have to be in order to be rejected from those classes. Yet some of those rejects always find their ways in the bride’s or groom’s families. These are people who are uber excited to dance at every single wedding, this is a closed knit group who think they entertain everyone and are the life of the weddings. Can someone give them a reality check please? The only problem is that their interpretation of dance falls in one of the two dimensions. Let me explain this to make it simpler – First dimension is wildly flailing your arms & legs in different directions in an uncoordinated fashion. The Second dimension is movements so subtle that you need a telescope to observe & appreciate them; to the naked eye they appear to be a tree’s trunk stationary & erect. There is one commonality across the two dimensions – music playing in the background!!!!!! 

9)      The Tourist worse then one starring Johnny Depp & Angelina Jolie – Not many people disagree as to how horrible the movie “The Tourist” was. Based on that theme these are both men & women who are outstation visitors and want to use this wedding as a reason to get a free tour of the city. They will arrive and make demands like someone to accompany them to all the tourist oriented places, someone to get a car arranged for them etc etc. They would not want to spend a single penny doing any of the above. Someone explain to them that they were invited for a wedding and they did not win a free trip in some competition. These are the folks who arrive either too early for a wedding or stay over a couple of days once the wedding has finished.

10)  Indecent Proposal – These are a lot of times the same guys whom I mention in point 9 above. They would meet you in the marriage, talk to you for a couple of minutes, figure out how they are related to you (or they will confuse you, which also works for them), then figure out which city you stay in, ask your address and then quietly walk away. Someday much later after the wedding you would get a call from them that they are arriving in your city and would like to stay at your place. These people use that introduction as a shameless mechanism for avoiding accommodation & food costs in every city. My Suggestion – always give them the wrong address & incorrect phone numbers!!!!!

11)  Shobha De Wannabes – Yes we all saw this coming, these are females who think they have to critique everything & anything in the wedding some examples – wedding venue is too close (or too far) from the city, bride’s dress is too subtle (or too revealing), the groom is too thin (or slightly overweight – Indians can read it as healthy), decoration is too plain (or too gaudy), the list goes on and on. Take these females to the food stalls having 500 dishes, they would still identify the one delicacy missing and would be prompt to point out why that was the most important dish to have in the wedding. Critique! Critique!! Critique!!!

12)  Mr/Mrs Fixit – How can we forget this category, these are folks who think God wanted to make them cupids but ran out of raw materials and traded them in for humans. They will try and fix you up with a person of opposite sex irrespective of whether you want it or not so long as you are unmarried. I always wonder are these people suffering in their own marriages and are thinking – why should they alone burn and wants us to join the suffering in the inferno or they are so happy that they want you also to experience the same. I guess the answer somewhere lies in the middle it’s a mix of both. What these folks perhaps need to realize is that if it ain’t broken then don’t try to FIXIT.

13)  The Alpha Fail oops!!! Male – These are almost always guys they will come up to you and without any context start talking about how great their businesses are doing, how many influential people they know, how they are invited for all the special occasions by celebrities, they will boast about how much they have contributed to charity or for religion. They really try to portray that they are the next in line once God decides to take a vacation. The funnier part is sometimes their conversations end with the question about whether you would be interested to invest your money in their business with the delusional promise of the most unrealistic returns.

14)  The Great Wall of China – These are folks whose sense of positioning themselves at any particular place has been completely obliterated. Any event happening on the stage be it singing, dancing, any other form of entertainment, any  rituals related to marriage, these folks will involuntarily find themselves standing right in your line of sight while you are sitting and enjoying the event , it is like their sub conscious has a separate direction sensing mechanism altogether. The more irritating part is that they do not stand there to get a better view of the stage, they are oblivious to what is happening on stage, they are just chatting their way to glory with someone who is another brick in this great wall. Depends upon how you look at it – Birds of a feather flock together or It takes two hands to clap.

15)  The Cross Checker definitely not the Hot Stepper- These are the folks whose sub conscious wanted them to be in Government’s Secret Service Function but unfortunately their conscious never developed enough to make them eligible for those coveted jobs. So they try and satisfy themselves by putting their detective’s hat on during these weddings. All that they will do is get a piece of information from you then will go & cross check the same subtly with your parents, spouse or siblings. Like where are you employed they will take the answer and verify the same with someone close to you when you are not around. Why they do it or what they get out of it? I will update here once I find an answer. As of now your guess is as good as mine.

16)  Desi Cosmo & Vogue Combo - 2 in 1 Offer – These are always women folks. They run a standard programme. They will start with a 10 Minute recap of what happened in the last marriage they met you or they went, in what all ways this is different than that. Then once the recap is done and you are in the mood, the actual episode starts for 45 minutes to an hour (yes there will be no commercial breaks also) they will tell you all the filthy gossip from the family – who is dating who, who is about to divorce whom, whose marriage is in shambles, where all adultery is rampant, whose daughter ran away with whose son, whose daughter ran away and then came back, they even have information about whose daughter is about to run away again and with whom. I almost feel like they have an elaborate scoring & tracking mechanism in place monitored across the globe thru some satellite or something. Finally they will wind up the show leaving you excited about what all they will have information on when they see you next so stay tuned. I have two suggestions for this they should come with two warning messages: (a) Listener’s discretion is advised, and (b) Any event described in this conversation is fictional, any connection or similarity to any person living or dead is purely coincidental or I just want to be a BITCH!!!

17)  The Family (not Cable) Connection Guy – These folks can be of either sex, these are people who will talk endlessly without even breaking for a breath that why it is so important to attend every single wedding that happens in the family irrespective of how remote the location is, how being connected with the family and regularly meeting them is the only way to obtain eternal happiness & inner peace, they will try and show you merit in exhausting all your leaves at work to visit relatives & their weddings, they will sound completely convinced that the solution to all your problems in life lies in being with the extended family. On a side note –for me the problems gets exaggerated when I am in connection with my extended family!!!!! My suggestion – These people are great to get a thin neck, just be around them and keep nodding in complete agreement, don’t bother listening.

18)  Hungry, Hungry Hippos – This is the last stereotype which I would be talking about in this post from my side. This is very close to my heart & I am very particular about this so there would not be any humor in this. The stereotype which I am talking about is people who waste food at weddings. I absolutely despise this category – I am a firm believer of not wasting food because of the obvious reasons that everyone alive needs it and unfortunately not everyone can afford it. These worthless humans will take every dish which is on the menu, taste some of them not taste the others and just throw it away and then some of them will even criticize it, that is unacceptable and truly these people should be tied to a leash and left starving for 2 to 3 days to make them realize the importance of food. Enough Said!!!!!

So this was my experience from a family wedding after 13 years, really so many stereotypes. So once again the question, how many of them can you identify on your next family wedding experience, feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

By this post I may have just eliminated my chances of ever being invited for another wedding.

In the meanwhile Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

STEREOTYPING – Up, Up And Away - AIRPORT

So right now I am at the Bangalore Airport and as usual because of my habit of arriving ridiculously early at such places I am here a full 2.5 hours before my flight. So writing this blog post is my way of killing time.

I thought Airport is one great place where we come across a whole lot of strangers, we don’t talk, we don’t pay attention to one another, all of us are calmly (or in some cases not so calmly) going about our business of boarding a flight which would take us to our desired destination. However I have always encountered people which are stereotypes. You would always find these traits at any airport and in most of your flights.

Here it goes Stereotyping while sitting at the airport:

1)      The lungs of Mighty Thor – A kid, a toddler mostly not even able to stand but got the lungs of mighty Thor and will keep crying at the top of his/her voice all the time, will not let you work in the flight or at the airport will not let you take a nap but will cry, cry & cry.

2)      The Zombie Lady – I always come across at least one lady in the waiting lounge of the airport who looks like has not slept for ages, she would look extremely tired would have dark circles below the eyes and in most of the cases will be taking care of someone who has the lungs of mighty Thor – figures why she is like a zombie. On a separate note have you ever noticed – a girl has a glow on her face if she has been kept awake the previous night by her boyfriend or husband but has a gloom if she has been kept awake by her kid – a couple of alphabets here & there can drastically change the mood just like a couple of decisions can drastically change life - Hmmm Interesting!!!!!

3)      Corporate Cry Babies – These guys will be always there in early morning flights travelling on work to another city or country but will always have reason to complaint about their corporate bookings done by their employer organizations – why did they book the flight this early? Why did they book this airline and not the other? What is the point of this travel? Why did they book economy & not business class (how many people do you know who travels Business Class in their own country at their own expense – my honest answer – I know two)

4)      Vivacious Vibrant Vibrating Teens – There is always a group of teenagers at the airport, chattering away in a small group, discussing their shopping plans, their assignments, how & for what reasons their parents would murder them. This is the only group who are enthusiastic even for an early morning flight. They are the only ones who don’t bother finding chairs in the waiting lounge but generally find a nice comfortable spot on the floor to sit.

5)      Excess Baggage is our Birthright – Yeah we all saw this coming, we cannot travel light, we need to have clothes & lots of clothes, food, & lots of food, back up locks in case the locks of suitcase breaks, jars of pickle, gifts for everyone in the family whom we are visiting, gifts from everyone in the family from where we left to be given to everyone in the family where we are going and the list never ends. You would always see one family hopelessly trying to argue or negotiate at the check in counter for allowing extra baggage without paying for it or people in absolutely hot weather wearing multiple layers of clothing so that it would not be part of check in or cabin baggage. Hilarious!!!!!

6)       Visitors in Rose garden – Just by looking at them you can say that they are the newly married couple, you can just say and I am also including non-Punjabi brides, since they are the most easily identifiable by the assortment of bangles which they wear after their marriage for a limited period of time prescribed by their religion. This type are so apparently identifiable that you would generally see a couple of seats on their side being left un occupied at the waiting lounge or are the last ones to be occupied

7)      Alice : Lost in Wonderland – These are not first time flyers, some of them are first time at that specific airport and some of them have already been there before. But still they are perpetually lost as to where to go and what to do next. From my experience I can firmly assure that none of the 20 odd airports which I would have visited in my lifetime have given me an impression of being a maze in which I will get lost. But then again I do have a tendency to get lost in car parking lots J

8)      The Checklist Couple – Most of the time you will see this couple arguing about who was supposed to do what before leaving the house, or sometimes you would see the husband running through a checklist with his wife – did you close the windows, did you lock the house, did you put the trash out, did you turn the gas off, did you do this, did you do that. I always think isn’t it a little too late to be asking these questions!!!! I always think just for the fun of it the wife should respond – “honey I left the gas on, why don’t you go back and turn it off and I will board the flight”

9)      The Loudspeaker – Actually this is the breed which you will find in multiple numbers in a single visit to the airport itself, these are people who talk so loudly on their cell phones sitting in the waiting lounge that one has to wonder why they are using cell phones at all. Slightly more loud and they can have a conversation with the person at the other end without it.

10)  The Woman of Substance - Let’s be honest with the arrival of economy carriers & our own daily lifestyles the number of trips to the airport has substantially increased for everyone and with that we have completely stopped caring about what we are wearing when we go to the airport (again particularly early morning flights). However most of the times I have come across one lady at least who stand out as an epitome of grace & class, she would be dressed in well-fitting business suit or a gorgeous dress and would have an aura of class all around her. I sometimes wonder if she is the one paying for everyone on her flight J

Yeah just to leave no room for doubt I have almost never come across guys who could fit in this stereotype – at best they will be in a suit – How Boring!!!!!

11)  Last Man Standing or rather Outstanding – These are people who would get their check in done, get their boarding passes & disappear into thin air, they become impervious to boarding announcements and would only re appear once their names are announced on the speakers for the entire airport to know about them. I wonder if they are suffering from an identity crisis and yeah congratulations now you are an airport wide known JERK

12)  AAA Classified Advisory Top Secret Group – Honestly I hate this lot perhaps second only to the kind crying their lungs out in a plane, these are folks who would be either speaking on the phone or fiddling with their BlackBerrys till the time a flight attendant comes and requests them to switch it off for takeoff. They will not pay heed to any announcements asking to switch off electronic devices. I always wonder what is so important they are discussing – are they advising Obama as to how to fight against Romney in America Presidential elections, or advising Kim Kardashian to not to date Kanye again, or asking Manmohan Singh to follow the words of Russell Peters “Be A Man”

So that was my second list of stereotypes which I could come up with on my this visit to airport, how many of them can you identify on your next flying experience , feel free to let me know if there are more and I would expand this post to include more.

In the meanwhile Happy Stereotyping!!!!!

On a side note I am really excited about my next post – I am visiting a family wedding and that too attending one after almost 13 Years – So next post is Stereotyping in Family Weddings.