Crappy, Crooked, Creepy, Corrupt Cricket – Indian Pakau League (IPL)

So finally India Premier League (IPL) Season 6 has ended, they say it is 76 matches spread over 7 weeks. I say anything which happens at an average almost 11 times in a week cannot be said it is spread over, I would say 76 matches piled up and shoved down everyone’s throat over 7 weeks. Now I am not a fan of cricket - yeah I know half of you are like camera panning out at high speed and with a hair flick while turning towards the camera and like in a typical C grade reality show on Indian Television going three times – Nahin, Nahin, Nahin..... But screw that yes I am a 31 year old Indian male mostly normal (or at least that is what I would like to believe) who hates cricket – it is the most lazy ass game ever if you ask me and yet every year I am made to experience this crappy tournament which I define as – Over glamorous, Over Hyped, Sub Standard, Club Cricket.

So this post (read as Rant) is about IPL and everything associated with it. If you like cricket walk away right now – beware you have been warned.

Board of Corruption of Cricket In India (BCCI) – We can’t even start talking about IPL without talking about BCCI, because IPL is the brain child of BCCI – a child so hideous which could have only been conceived if a lumberjack was to fuck an oompa loompa. Let me explain you what is BCCI, BCCI is just like Hugh Hefner – I am over aged, hideous looking, one pervert son of a bitch but since I am filthy rich so still everyone will suck my dick. That is exactly BCCI for you. BCCI has got the money making formula right down to the wire the formula is like – so long as we can put 11 idiots on the field of which 4-5 are recognizable idiots – this stupid country’s people will come and pay to watch the match. Doesn’t matter who is playing, what they are playing no one gives a fuck so let’s make money. People who run BCCI are typical cases of human beings who became part of the genepool when the lifeguard was not watching and people who watch every stupid crap they put out are people who if brains were to ever become taxable they would be eligible for rebates.

Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) – KKR the team which represents a city where no one works neither does the owner and it owned by our very own scum of the earth Sharukh Khan. Now this is a team which just like its owner has a perpetual identity crisis. SRK firmly believes he is the Al Pacino of Bollywood while in reality he is more a replica of Adam Sandler. I was so happy when in Season 5 after the Wankhede altercation he was banned from the stadium for 5 years – SRK is a guy who has his head so far us his ass that one may designate a new zip code to his colon. My respect for his wife Gauri khan rose to a whole new level when this guy was behaving like a retard after KKR won the fifth edition of IPL and he was doing cartwheels and monkey flips on the ground – I was like this is what she puts up with every single day with this man, kudos to her – really Indian women have a lot of tolerance...... On a separate note a friend of mine asked me last year – “Which is your most hated movie of 2011?”, my reply was “Ra-One”, then he asked me – “Tell me one thing you hated about the movie”, my response was “The fact that it was ever made!!!!”

Kings XI Punjab (KXIP) – Now let’s consider this – if Adam Gilchrist after almost two decades of being in top level cricket takes his very first wicket of the first and last ball of his career, bowling for the first time ever and attempts to dance “gangam style” in the second most hideous way ever (first one is Harbahjan) and this becomes the highlight of your campaign in this IPL season then you seriously need to reconsider your investment in the franchise itself. I don’t know from where people get this impression that Preity Zinta (PZ) is a Punjabi (is it because she is fat!!!) and how involved she is with the team and all their matches – imbecile fucking morons – let me clarify something for you – first of all PZ was born in Shimla and she is not a Punjabi she has nothing to do with being a Punjabi, go read it on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me. And as far as her acting like a Punjabi let me enlighten you she went to some half dumb moron and asked – “Tell me 5 things to do so that I can pass for a Punjabi on a cricket field”. The person suggested – (1) Act you are excited all the time even though there may not be any reason for it (2) For anything and everything give high fives to everyone who is sitting around you (3) Unnecessary wail your arms and legs all over the place throughout the match, people will think you are emotional (4) Before the match go to every single one of the 24 cameras used to broadcast the match and tell them where you are sitting – don’t even leave the stump cam (5) Run on the field like your ass in on fire everytime a match finishes and your team wins and start hugging anything that moves. Now my tips to PZ would have been the same 5 steps, the only difference would be the question – “Tell me 5 things to do so that I can pass for a Retard on a cricket field”!!!!!!

Mumbai Indians (MI) - So finally this year MI won the cup although I still do not see Rohit Sharma having an international career. Every year MI Team actually has a four way competition amongst themselves – Will Keiron Pollard’s Gold Chain get any thicker, Will Malinga’s colored hair get more hideous, Will Neeta Ambani get any more white (or die from an overdose of Botox) or Will Anant Ambani (Neeta Ambani’s Son) get any fatter. If I were to judge this I think Neeta Ambani has been winning every season hands down. I can never actually understand how many cartons of Botox does she actually gets imported and injected in herself every year and does Anant Ambani feeds on all those cartons. If Neeta Ambani was to get any more white she would start competing with Simi Garewal and that has no longer remained a compliment. This year as a part of the education campaign which MI supports – for one match at Wankhede their home ground they bought underprivileged kids to come see the match. Anil Kumble made a statement on television – “We have bought 11,000 kids and 15,000 food packets” what he did not say was 11,000 food packets were for 11,000 kids rest 4000 were for Anant Ambani. If that guy was to get any more fatter there will be a downward slope on Wankhede depending on which side he is sitting.

Sunrisers Hyderabad (SRH) – SRH now, previously Deccan Chargers, now the funny part is if you look at the dichotomy in the names, previously they had “chargers” now “to charge” is associated with a horizontal movement – order armies to charge, people come charging into a room, horses charge at a derby etc etc. Now from there to have the term “risers” in their name, rising is associated with a vertical movement – sun rises, rockets rise from the ground, Jesus rose from his grave and did not charge in the next sewer line etc etc. So one was to believe that shifting from horizontal movement to a vertical movement would tilt their luck but nopes. SRH is like the least glamorous team in the IPL seriously if Shikhar Dhawan’s ugly looking 18^th Century moustache and his continuous twirling of the same is your team’s fashion statement then seriously you need coaching classes from RCB. Shikhar Dhawan with his moustache looks to me nothing more than a Gabbar reject. And the best part is their captaincy it’s like every day morning before the toss the SRH team rolls 2 dices and then who ever picked a number from 1 to 12 becomes a captain for the day – Kumar Sangakkara, Cameron White, Darren Sammy etc etc and I am pretty sure baby face (read as retard face) Parthiv Patel always picks 1 as his number in the roll of 2 dice together and is still hopeful someday he will be Captain.

Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) – Honestly before Chris Gayle & Virat Kohli were bought by RCB the biggest player on the team was Siddharth Mallya, if you know what I mean. Although I live in Bangalore but my only reason to follow RCB for the first few seasons was just to see which chicks does Siddharth Mallya brings along with him, initially it was some girl from the Kingfisher Calendar Shoot, then it was Katrina Kaif, then for a couple of seasons it was Deepika Padukone and this season was very boring because there was no one. In the midst of all this I am completely fine to accept that not a single player in the line up is from Karnataka. Now I have nothing against Deepika and I completely adore her for her urban modern, don’t give a fuck about anything chick character which she plays in most of her movies although she does take it too far from reality as I still do not see girls on the road with bra tops and hot pants with a freakishly toned mid riff, although I won’t mind that particularly the toned mid riff part but she does look to be a bit too smart for Siddharth who often comes across someone so lost that needs a smack on the face to get him back to reality but I think his dad would be doing the needful for him!!!!

Delhi Daredevils (DD) – DD represents the Delhi City – a city which is famous for all the infamous incidents which have happened there, there is an interesting statistics DD has been at the bottom of the Fair Play award rankings for 5 out of the 6 seasons in IPL – is anyone surprised??? The only thing I am surprised is why is a humble and pious soul like Mahela Jayawerdena was named captain of the squad – he is the biggest misfit in the Delhi team at the end of the day it is a Delhi Team. Infact the owners were perhaps so worried as to what being in Delhi may do to the players, they have appointed Jeremy Snape in the support staff and he has been designated as “Mental Conditioning Coach”. Additionally I was going through the team list and some of the names just surprised me :

Ajit Agarkar- The guy will just not give up simply will not let go of this game. He only goes for runs at three stages of the game – opening overs, middle overs & death overs.

Irfan Pathan – It’s like everyone in this world is hell bent to make Irfan an all rounder, his face now almost looks like he has been molested with the term all rounder to the point where he can neither bowl nor bat

Ashish Nehra – Here is a bowler who runs to the crease at a speed which is faster than the speed at which he bowls!!!

Virender Sehwag – A role model for anyone who believes that you should firmly ground your feet wherever you stand and don’t move it no matter what, worst case your paunch will take the shock

Kevin Pietersen – Wives of all the DD players would be willing to go on a fast if that can make this guy complete a tournament without getting injured

Pune Warriors India (PWI) – I really wanted PWI to do well this year just to prove to everyone that Saurav Ganguly is jinxed and kicking him out last year has done wonders to the fortune of this team but this was another miserable year for them. Now Sahara India are the owners of PWI and the relationship between Sahara and BCCI seems similar to Justin Beiber & Selena Gomez, with Justin Beiber being BCCI since both of them have no talent, one day they split up and then next day they are making out in a night club, then next day they split up and then they go on a vacation on an island together. Now Sahara has again withdrawn their team from IPL because their bank guarantees were encashed by BCCI. The team has changed their jersey colors, they have changed their captain still nothing seems to be working for them. The team itself is full of worthless players, in fact PWI reminds me of One Direction – the English-Irish pop boy band whom I call 5 Justin Biebers with each one knowing to play one instrument and in aggregate without any talent. As Neil McCormick from The Daily Telegraph puts is : “clean cut, wholesome, whiter-than-white, middle class parent friendly pop: cute boys advocating puppy love. And what could be better than one cute boy, if not five” – surprisingly he does not mention their music or singing skills anywhere in the sentence well rest I will leave for all of you to figure.

Rajasthan Royals (RR) – I have a confession to make here, initially I was very excited for this team particularly after seeing Shilpa Shetty dance in the title song for the franchise "Halla Bol" in the traditional Rajasthani Ghagra with a freakishly toned mid riff (yeah by this time you should know I am obsessed with toned mid riffs) but then after couple of seasons she got married and my interest dwindled for obvious reasons. Then came Shane Warne & Liz Hurley saga that was very interesting. Rajasthan Royals are like Priyanka Chopra’s Photographs for some reason everyone is interested in photographing her bare back rather than her face.  The team’s image of giving opportunity to not so known players is so strong that the likes of Watson, Shaun Tait, Brad Hodge who are more than prominent figures in their international sides get sidelined from limelight being part of RR. This team is very loyal to Shilpa Shetty last year when she was having a baby right during IPL the entire team decided to fuck it and don’t even bother playing well and ended up having the worst season ever.

Chennai Super Kings (CSK) – CSK as a team in true sense represents Chennai, they have a core group of players and others from outside are not welcome – that is so typical of Chennai city which has the reputation of being one of the most hostile cities to people who come from other cities. The only thing which changes in CSK year on year is the length, quantity & color of Dhoni’s hairs. The whistle sound (read as Noise) which has become synonymous with CSK is as irritating as Vuvuzela which literally drove Soccer players to madness during the 2010 soccer world cup in South Africa. The only player which I would mention is Ravindra Jadeja – I firmly believe he should play for KKR, he would fit right in with Sharukh Khan – both are attention seeking, over hyped, too full of themselves, zero talent bastards.

IPL Fantasy League – Now this may sound slightly out of context but I really wanted to write my thoughts on IPL Fantasy League – like the time people waste in watching IPL is not good enough, Star & ESPN also ran a fantasy league contest parallely which lets people make their own teams and gather points based on the player’s actual performance during the IPL. Now I first of all want to give a big round of applause to the pervert who thought of this name because that motherfucker knew that anything which has the word “fantasy” in it is bound to grab attention of an Indian Male so perfect name to get guys interested. Now mid way through the IPL a stats were released that 88% of the players in the fantasy league are males and everyone was surprised at this lopsided figure as far as sex ratio is concerned, now why is everyone fucking surprised – first you have “fantasy” in the competition name, secondly it is cricket, then you have the likes of Karishma Kotak & Rochelle Rao (seeing her 2012 pictures from Miss Femina India International 2012 and seeing her now in IPL, I am convinced she’s got a boob job done. Not that I mind because I am of the school of thought that anything that makes you feel, look or smell good buy it or get it done) as on field presenters, who in their minds are surprised by stats of such one sided participation. What surprises me more is that the day these stats were announced next day Sony Set Max broadcaster bought in Isa Guha as a guest on the show, now I have nothing against her as I firmly believe she is one of the very few females (infact the only one I can think of) out there who talks absolute cricket sense since she herself has been a player for England but if you want to really increase female participation for fucking God sake get a John Abraham or Ranbir Kapoor or someone like that to do some host’s work in towels or ripped shirts or something, that will get females interested.

Now I am itching to write about the spot fixing controversy which has rocked IPL and which finally after 70 matches had passed got me interested in the event but I intend to write a separate post on it once I have read more on the entire situation.

So these are my thoughts on Indian Pakau League, the 7 weeks of every year where millions of man hours gets wasted in watching and cheering for a team without any realization that not even one person on that team would be or the origin of the city for which they are playing for. Mass Delusion at its very best.